It's been a while again.

Over the year, I have made 3+1 short films, I think this is my highest yield ever in my insignificant career so far. Flutter was first, my thesis film that was completed in May/June. Followed by A Conscious Awakening, an interesting project where I worked in collaboration with a friend from Fashion, Purgatory, a film that was 1 year in the making, TT3's official first short film. And then, a very impromptu social project, We Are One Kind. So yes, I have done a lot of work, I have made films, I have endured sleepless nights, losing weight like a mofo, destroying my health in the process and what have I gotten so far?

To put it bluntly, to call myself a film maker is a joke because first of all, the only times my films have been screened were 2 events, one at the Substation for First Take and the other, also at the Substation for the Singapore Short Film Awards 2 years ago where every single film got played anyway. In other words, I am a film maker that doesnt deserve to be called a film maker.

While people I have worked with are getting their films shown in film festivals around the World, I'm still stuck with nothing, it's like I went full circle and got nothing, absolutely nothing. Nobody outside my social circle knows of me. Now that I graduated (with 1st class honours somemore), it's been 3 months and I'm still at home, jobless, wondering why nobody wants to hire me. I sent out applications after applications after applications and nothing, not a fucking reply. Isn't anyone hiring anymore? Production houses pay a pittance and I would only stay on in production for freelance work otherwise there's no point. I want to go back into advertising but it seems hard to break into there too. I mean come on, I have experience in writing, I applied for copywriting jobs, isn't there anyone looking for a copywriter?

Actually what really am I doing here and what is my purpose? Why the fuck am I always entangled in grey areas all my fucking life? When I decided to become a film maker, I vowed to stay away from the conventional HDB family dramas and instead, focus on stories with universal themes. As a result, Singaporean audiences didn't get it and international film festivals can't give a shit. So ultimately I wasted peoples' time and money, making films that nobody gives a shit about. So why did I sacrifice so many things to do this? Why the fuck did I decide to do film? Every day, I just start to regret more and more.

Speaking of progression, I am starting to hate everything around me all over again, its like relapsing to the old days. Why? I don't know. But people are starting to piss me off, my surroundings piss me off, everything, everyone. I don't even know where to begin. I've taken to living like a hermit the past couple of weeks but I need fucking money, I need fucking money to survive, to eat my lunch, to have 3 meals a day at least. And I can't get that when fucktards ask me to work on their projects for free. "Uh we can't pay you but we can give you exposure". Fuck you and your exposure. If I wanted exposure I'd rather film myself masturbate and upload it all over youtube, thats more than any exposure you fucktards can give me. And it baffles me when you're making a film about National Service, commissioned by a CDC and you can't afford to pay me? Go fuck yourself with a cactus understand?

I hate this place, I hate everything about everything. I haven't had a break in 5 years its getting to me. I haven't had any moments where I felt motivation of some sort lately, nothing. What am I doing with my life? I don't know.

Fuck this.