ok i think i'm most probably going to iguana tonight.

last night's party thing was pretty cool because i moderated myself and saw other ppl get drunk and die. then i drums on rockband hahahaha and owned everyone at winning eleven....ok maybe i lost to one guy but no big deal

come back home in the morning and knock out

one more party tonight...one more

HAPPY 2009!

IF I WAS IN WORLD WAR 2 THEY'D CALL ME SPITFIRE!!!

hahaha just spent my last 100 bucks on the prodigy ticket and i cant fucking wait!!

oh and i was wrong abt the conclusion.....tonight also got another party hahahhaaha

and last night i had beer with ravin since he decided to come over to my place at 1am....tonight drink....tmrw NYE confirm drink omg i never drank so much alcohol in such a continuous period of time in my life before.

konichiwaaaaaaaaaa

woah im on a frenzy right now creating tracks, crafting them properly and trying to liase with people from around the world to collaborate with me. Right now i've got a rapper from India who has done collaborations with producers in USA and holy shit he does sound like a real rapper....not even a trace of the kooky indian accent. So now i have to come up with a track for him to rap on and he doesnt mind something like prodigy or massive attack...this is gonna be interesting.

im also looking for ppl from Sweden, South Korea and Canada among other local acts....at least it will give my album a slightly international feel. So exciting cant wait to work on it.

Now that I'm done with the script for Amnesia i think i still need to go thru it a few times and really fine tune it before i start looking for investors.

Pufferdog is picking up and i'm working on getting it out of the online market....trying a few possible avenues so gotta wait for that.

Ok and i just created a working album cover for V2.4. Thats what the new EssaiveE album will be called.......2.4 basically cos im 24 hahaha.

hahaha i got alcoholic chocolate for christmas


ok and that concludes the mad week of partying and drinking now time to start working out again and burn all that whatever i been accumulating.

hanging out with different friends and meeting new people is something i never had the chance to do the past 3 years and im glad im finally doing this now.

meeting with inqbox on monday hope it goes well.

in a space of 24 hours, i created one chillout track, one industrial rock draft track and one progressive trance track.

i love my versatility.

OMG eat and drink eat and drink the past few days i need to work out

ok at least got match tmrw

more parties and hanging out wahwhahwhahhwhaa

im highhhh

haha im so turning into a fucking indian by drinking almost every other day

but roomful of blues is an awesome place with an awesome band with nice awesome people though i was probably one of the youngest there hahaahaahaha

had like 9 glasses of asahi hahahahahahahahahahahaha


im happy merry christmas

wah i realised i didnt blog the past 2 days hahahaha

past few days was pretty fun...went for some party which i thought was gonna be a flop but turned out quite happening anyway and suddenly i got so many new friends in my facebook hahahhah.

oh and i been playing with reason and came up with 2 new tracks and they're available for listening at http://amp.channelv.com/essaivee

christmas is coming and it feels different as compared to previous years. maybe cos this is the first christmas in a long time im celebrating as a single person haha but its ok not so bad.

fucking relatives coming over gonna try to stay out as much as possible and avoid.

merry christmas to whoever is reading this.

I PASSED BY IPPT WOOT

with incentive somemore it means i get $100.

what amazes me is that i managed to do that even after all that smoking and boozing lol. I can still do 2.4km in 12 mins.....ok so i got a little lucky with my standing broad jump....fluffed the first attempt but managed to get 225 for the 2nd so not so bad....at least silver standard.

fucking sg vs viet match was a waste of time....pay money to see sg lose...but the fights among the fans after the match was pretty entertaining though

heeeeeee reason so fun

gonna restart my EssaiveE project and work on a collaboration with Hanz.....doing electrojazz and trip hop....cant wait to do shit.

i FINALLY got Reason 4

holy mother what a fucking software! what have i been missing out on all this while man. Within an hour just 1 hour and i managed to create a song AAHHAHAHA im so gonna have fun using this software. It has everything i need, a million times better than fruityloops!

so now time to prioritise. Need to start creating tracks for Pravda and set a jam date after christmas. Then gotta start on EssaiveE solo shit, then do effects for NIA. Thats for music and see when Fezz free to start work on Kimochi Productions....thats another interesting one im looking forward to.

Now i just need my Reaktor and I'm a happy man.

Oh and i love the weather the past few days really awesome and tomorow IPPT test hahaha 2 days of alcohol i hope i dont fuck it up.

i know this is the 1392843809th time im saying this but...

im highhhhhhh

hahaha met up with porky, fezz, umar and farrell and we went to cafe iguana. Just like we been doing the past 2-3 years at this time of the year. First we had the micheladas followed by the frozen margaritas then the mars bar then came the killer'

DONT EVER FUCKING TAKE THE MUY CALIENTE EVEN IF UR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!!

it basically is tequila brwed with chillies and jalapenos. OMFG i took a shot, i felt my entire lips, throat and stomach go on fire. I felt it go down, start a war in my stomach and come back up in an explosive expulsion....basically i puked.

that aside, im still feeling fucking high. I chatted up 2 japanese looking chicks only to find out they're from china ahhh what a major turn off.

im highhhhh floating like a bird i love the world spread the love fuck fuck fuck wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


my stomach still feels like shit.

woah i cant believe i can pass my 2.4km run even after all those cigarettes hahaha and i made friends with the PTI. I guess its true how one can go to another country and totally blend into the crowd until u cant differentiate if hes local or not. Shit man all along i thought he was a Singaporean chinese.....turns out he was born in S. Korea. Wheres that korean accent mannn?



Now that the 4 designs are out i need to start making catalogs and doing pitching to sell them on consignments. Hope that turns out well...oooh hehehehehhehehehehehehhe

i always wondered...which is worse? getting an STD or an unwanted child?

oooh my ippt this sunday and im feeling fitter....my arms look bigger and i feel stronger after all that working out.

and and and realised i have a thing for korean girls......i find them really classy and down to earth, not like the pretentious materialistic egoistic singaporean excuse for women.

haha my first malay speaking role on television.

ok fine so i fluffed my lines and the director had to give me simpler lines but still i think i did a pretty decent job.

pretty nice people to work with heh.

Zoukout was awesome!!

it was also a very fucking tiring day.

woke up in the morning to collect namecards, then had to rush down to bukit panjang for the match which didnt turn out that well and then rush back to sengkang, helping my team mate up to the clinic (he injured his leg and couldnt walk) then rush home change and rush to harbourfront to meet ravin and drink some shit. By then i was already starting to feel sleepy so i knew it was gonna be a long day.

so let me see, i had 1 tall can of barons before we went in...then i had 2 bourbon cokes, 2 whiskey sodas, 1 whiskey with green tea, 2 heinekens and i really lost track of what else i drank but to cut a long story short, i was high and happy.

now one thing i noticed abt zoukout was there was a plethora of chicks, hot chicks EVERYWHERE but the problem though, most of them are SPGs. You can turn and look at one hot girl then suddenly she will talk to her bf who happens to be some fat ugly white guy.

ok lets see..i made a mental list of some hot chicks i spotted.
1) the lady in the pink dress i saw in the train who looked suspiciously thai
2) the chinese chick in the brown bikini
3) another chinese chick i was this close to dancing with (if not for the stupid motherfuckers who kept walking btwn us)
4) the pink bikini girl who ravin and i agrees has the most stylish dancing styles
5) that chick who called me an arsehole within 2 mins of knowing me (cos i kept making fun of her height)


haha so fun

that aside, the music was awesome, loved dirty south and above and beyond's sets. I think i smoked way too much for my own good.....and so therefore im not smoking at all today.

and true enough i bumped into that woman there.....tried to ignore but impossible cos we got too many mutual friends so i just played along. I didnt want to ruin a perfect day and besides i was high so just pretend shes one of us.

woah i only slept at 9am this morning and i had to wake up at 2 for RT blahhh

tomorow got some shoot for Suria....and im supposed to be a shopkeeper

so much for stereotypes.

woah tomorow is gonna be a fucking busy day


morning wake up go collect namecards

then go to bukit panjang for match against the belgians (match captain)

then rush back home to sengkang

then meet ravin and go zoukout

fucking bitch will be there just hope my mood wont get spoilt

must remember to bring change of clothes and top up ez-link card....


hope i have fun tmrw.

I AM HIGHHHHHHHHHHH

hehehehehehehehehehehhehehe

fuck i feel bad i asked my dad to buy back dinner he bought back 2 packets this was at 6pm i got home at midnight and saw the 2 packets still outside, wanted to eat them but they smelt funny (obviously) fuck now i feel bad.


no wonder my parents dont rweallyl like me la im quite a fucked up son.

i think they secretly wish i fuck off asap since im like not earning any money and contributing to the family blahhhhhh

now i remember why i was so depressed that time it all stemmed from this

fuck fuck fuck its not like i dont want to work what...i just cant seem to find any jobs and im the kind of person i need to like what im doing thats the reason why i dont follow people's advice and just take ANY job i can find. i find this whole logic fucking stupid,. So if you find a job which you dont like but it pays then whats the point? you wake up, go to work go back home sleep and wake up to work the next day its just the same vicious fucking cycle over n over again. no wonder people kill themselves.

i know what im doing in life is definitely unconventional but at least i enjoy what im doing...fuck now what i need to do is to find a way to make money while at it. its the whole financial issue that is pissing me off.

fuck la i dont want to work for other people. i like doing my own thing and living my own life i dont see why i have to follow everyones ideology of "ok work for this company, let them exploit you but its all for your own good cos u will gain experience".

experience ki lan la...i know how to learn something fast...whatever ppl take 3 mths to do i can do in 3 weeks i dont need to subject myself to such bullshit just fr the sake of experience fuck that.

people probably think i dont know what im doing with my life, i say fuck them, fuck the people who believe in such shit, fuck the conformists and fuck you for reading this and disagreeing with me.

music really perks me up.

i remember when i was about 6 my parents tried to make me learn the piano....i went up to grade 3 and quit cos i felt it was a waste of time, utter boredom.

who would have thought that 18 years later i would actually be so into music, listening to all kinds of music, spanning all genres and actually playing in a band, writing my own music.

seriously weird coming to think of it....i reallylove music as much as i love soccer. Just 2 of the very few things in the world i can never get sick off. Metal, rock, trance, electronica, jazz, blues, funk...you name it, chances are i have heard it.

i still cant stand hip hop though.

ooooh im gonna be home alone the whole week

ooooh can get J to come over

oooooooooohhhhh

oooh match this saturday against the Belgian association and guess who's gonna be the match captain hahaha



i can just picture a very fiery team talk before the match.



being captain is one thing, leading by example is another but most importantly, i have to teach the rest how NOT to fear the opponents. I cant wait for this sat's match.

I dont care what people say but I love this design. Its techically my first ever design which i hand drew from scratch. No editing or whatsoever, all totally freehand. Wheeee im improving heheh

whee i havent felt this happy in a long time

other than some moron who keeps nitpicking at of all things, our photography, the general consensus on pufferdog is pretty positive.

met up with J and her uni friends...omg they remind me of my ex classmates from the adv diploma...all so friendly and talk cock. I havent had so much fun in a long time.

J likes me hahahaha so cool.....but sad she has to go back to melbourne in feb...well gotta make do with whatever time there is left.

cant wait to start work on the handphone.

J and her friend damn cute hahaha.....i never met a filipino girl in my life who knew the meaning of the word onomatopoeia. OMG

friday night was fun i like her company, shes hilarious and talks a lot of cock. I made a mistake of telling her my phobia of lightning now she keeps finding opportunities to laugh at me cos of that blah

ehhh she online but not talking blah....i thinkkkk she may have a thing for meeeeee hehehheh so fun

6 goals in 4 games hahaha thats an awesome record

shoot went damn well....im proud of Hakim, his firs photoshoot and he was pretty confident. Jess is a natural...really appreciate their help.

Eggplant out tomorow....probably gonna spend the whole night working on the photos.

ok so im gonna go into today's match with a swollen left knee...fuck.

oh and pufferdog is starting to get orders haha this is so exciting. photosoot tonight with hakim and jess for eggplant. Cant wait to release that and then subsequently, cherry poppin. Surprisingly among the 3, cherry seems to look the nicest on white but wonder if it will sell.

yesterday was fun oh and sixx is an awesome band, love the female vocals...her voice is so omg and i didnt know the male vocalist is my friend's brother hahaha. they play like funk, fusion....really good shit.

weather is such a bitch...its too hot and rains at the wrong times seriously.

You cannot escape the long arms of Murphy's law.

1 down, 2 more to go.

Im glad things are starting to look up for Pufferdog again. A lot of people think Kick ass is well....Kick ass....now if only i can get them to buy my shirts hahah.

RT was not bad but i still and will always hate running.

I was surfing thru myspace and OMG the panopticon!!! i havent heard it for 4 years and suddenly it came back....i cant believe i was so creative back then...wasted the recording quality was shitty..but it will always have a special place in my heart.

then i decided to check out the youtube videos of As Seen From Above....omg really nice hahaha fuck im blowing my own trumpet

Annddddd i have a date tomorow! ok not officially a date but i know it will be...so fun so exciting i havent been this excited in a long time hahaha

time to work hard on pufferdog, come up with new designs, hunt for shops willing to sell on consignment, keep 40% for company and use turnover as capital for new designs...i just hope it will work i pray..

oh and match this saturday...so much pressureeeeee

wasted im broke

okay pardon my ignorance but what the hell are apple bottom jeans?

ohh amnesia dialogue is 75% done...I'm pretty proud of some of the scenes in there...some really powerful ones like a mother huddling her 2 kids while debt collectors are in the background confiscating items....and the kids ask their mother whats going on and where their daddy is....of course the mum has to fight back her tears to tell them that daddy is still away and lie about the people in the house....its a representation of how people have to deal with the consequences of other peoples' misdealings...i really hope the actress who gets that role does a wonderful job with that...and its my job as the writer/director to make that happen.

vel vel vel is such a life saver.....the shirts are finally with me....3 designs and im starting to get orders for kickass...just need to do a bit more advertising n promotion and things will look better.....really have to thank K for the last minute injection to make all these a possibility.....i really really really hope things will become better from now on...

oh i need models...who can model for free hahah

its good to finally start shedding off all the elements that has been corroding my system. Time for a fresh start and what better way to do so then by gaining sole proprietorship of pufferdog. Yes initially it was a partnership, it was supposed to be our baby but how the hell you dare to call this your baby when you only log in once a month to check for orders....her heart was obviously not in it...she was just basking in her moment of freedom and living out her fantasies too much to give a shit abt me or the company so fine....i'll look after it myself.

now that K is gonna pump in more than the initial investment, i shud be able to collect the 3 new designs today. I know there is demand for kick ass...i always had hope for that design but she was always against it....at least now i can work in peace knowing i can release whatever i want to, because i know what people want.

and to think that initially i wanted to call it toxic tree but she was against it so fine..pufferdog...and look who ends up fucking up lol.

im just glad its over seriously, now i can move on to greener pastures....i know there are girls out there who are more deserving and more patient and definitely not out to make me insane.

oh oh and amnesia is 42/75 done....or rather 14/25 that shud be 56%....ok nvm still long way to go.....but the SPG scene was definitely based on real life experiences hahaha.

okay so now theres 4 to choose from

j is fun to talk to..a lot of similarities and conversations seem pretty endless...havent experienced something like that in ages....and oh my god sentosa looks damn ugly now from vivocity haha

RT not so bad la....all bo chap people in there so not so bad.

well at least now theres new things to look forward to. I pray this will be a better month.

Reds is nice to smoke sometimes....can feel high

woah finally something good happened for the first time in like forever

3 goals hhehehehehh and finally we got to thrash a team....8-1 to be exact.

im just glad i got my rythm back on the field and im finally used to the new boots....adidas predator....

now just have to keep that rythm going.....fuck tomorow got RT sian

i know myself best. my strengths and weaknesses and i know that i am currently at my most vulnerable. 7 panic attacks in 5 hours. my chest is still aching from that day. this nonsense has to stop. the reason why i used to be so stoic and cold and emotionally stunted was cos i was afraid something like this would happen

alas, shit happens.

i need to make a mental note to remind myself never to 1) be so easily trusting 2) to be so gullible 3) to take things for granted 4) that girls are generally sluts but they choose to live in denial about it, okay maybe only a small number of them are an exception.

as it is, that woman has changed so much. now her life revolves around sucking his white cock and suddenly im nothing to her. so fine, i dont see why i have to continue being like this.

and just when one problem ends, another one has to crop up. fucking CPF deducted 400 from my account which included pufferdog money. So now i need to hunt for 615 bucks to pay the deposit or else i will never get the shirts. how fucking awesome is that. one bullshit after another. I thought shit spells like these only last a week or two, not a whole fucking month.....and i wonder if it will still be like this or continue even longer.

did i like forget to repost some friendster bulletin or email and now im supposed to suffer 10 years of bad luck?

fuck

to quote a line from the movie "identity"....the last part when the killer says "Whores dont deserve a second chance" just before he smashes her face with a hoe. FUCKING BRILLIANT!

FUCK YOU AND ALL THE BULLSHIT YOU PUT ME THRU UNDERSTAND

WHEN THE WHITE FUCK CALLS YOU YOU GO RUNNING TO HIM LIKE HIS LITTLE BITCH. WHEN I ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING SIMPLE U TAKE UR OWN SWEET TIME AND MAKE ME WAIT AND THEN DECIDE TO FORGET IT

PAMELA FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND? FUCK YOU AND ALL THAT YOU STAND FOR. LOVING YOU WAS A FUCKING MISTAKE, AN ACT OF STUPIDITY THAT PUT EVEN VICTIMS OF DARWINISM TO SHAME. TO ME ALL YOU ARE NOW IS AN SPG. AN SPG HUNGRY FOR OLD WHITE COCK WHICH IS FINALLY WHAT YOU ARE GETTING. SO STOP BEING IN DENIAL ABOUT IT.

OH NOT JUST AN SPG BUT ALSO A CUMSLUT WHO THINKS YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD. FINE I GAVE YOU SHIT LAST TIME AND PUT YOU THRU HELL BUT ALL THAT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT YOU PUT ME THRU AND YOU STILL GOT THE FUCKING CHEEK TO COMPARE AND CONTRAST AND SAY ITS THE SAME MAGNITUDE?

EH HELLO FUCKFACE I DIDNT SLEEP AROUND WHEN WE BROKE UP YOU KNOW....IM NOT THE KIND OF GUY WHO FUCKS ON THE FIRST DATE. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL WHO JUST CANT SEEM TO KEEP HER LEGS SHUT. I AM SO FUCKING STUPID.

FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY NOW. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR NEW CAUCASIAN BOYFRIEND/DOMINANT WHO IS ALMOST TWICE UR AGE, OLD ENOUGH TO BE UR UNCLE....OH YA BUT U DONT GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE U FUCKED HIM ON THE FIRST DATE. HE IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU NOW.

SO FUCK YOU. GOODBYE.

like a scene from some sappy korean drama...mental breakdown, panic attacks, wondering around aimlessly in the rain.

nice seeing her again

ok tonight discuss film storyline with michelle and her friend....

ITS A FUCKED UP YEAR, FILLED WITH FUCKED UP EVENTS FILLED WITH FUCKED UP PEOPLE AND I HAVE FUCKED UP LUCK AND I DONT KNOW WHY THE FUCKED UP DOG IS BARKING FOR NO FUCKED UP REASON.

YES SO THE FUCKING DRIVING TEST..I DID EVERYTHING SMOOTHLY, CLEARED EVERY FUCKING OBSTACLE BUT NOOOO ITS A FUCKED UP YEAR, SOMETHING FUCKED UP HAS TO HAPPEN AND LO AND BEHOLD...THE FUCKING CAR (WHICH WASNT EVEN ON A TEST) HAD TO BRAKE SUDDENLY RIGHT AFTER A BOX JUNCTION WHICH I WAS ALREADY IN....SO FINE BAD ENOUGH I WAS STRANDED INSIDE THE FUCKING JUNCTION THEN THE LIGHT HAPPILY DECIDED TO TURN RED. VOILA....IMMEDIATE FAILURE!!

FUCKING HELL LAST TIME I MAKE MISTAKE I FAIL FINE I DESERVED IT. NOW I DO EVERYTHING PROPERLY AND SOMEONE FUCKS IT UP FOR ME AND I FAIL AGAIN

IM SO FUCKING SICK OF FAILING THINGS AFTER THINGS THIS FUCKING YEAR FUCKING 2008 FASTER END LA CHAO CHEEBAI BEFORE I GO NUTS AND END UP KILLING SOMEBODY.

I THOUGHT PASSING THE TEST WOULD AT LEAST HELP TO CHEER ME UP BUT NOOOOOO IT HAS TO CONTINUE MY FUCKING MISERY..CONTINUE AND CONTINUE EH WHEN WILL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT END LA SERIOUSLY

NOW SUNDAY MUST START GOING FOR REMEDIAL TRAINING AHH FUCK THIS SHIT LA CHAO CHEEBAI

OMG i love Vel...she tell me she send me nice trance song so i accept KNN she sent me 2 whole albums HAHAHAH fucking shiok man


okay so last night i spent the entire night at the macs downstairs with Khai...she was studying for a paper shes doing today and I decided to finally start work on my script... the dialogue is too raw and polished but for first draft's sake..i think Im doing pretty decently so far...not bad now im at scene 18....about 1/4 done....its going faster than i thought. Just need to fine tune it over and over until its finally perfect.

Showed hanz the treatment and he loved it....might KIV him for the lead role but need him to beef up and look more manly...Danial Delgado is actually a character modelled after me. If you can act, think and express yourself like me....you will get the role....lets see how it goes..

I really really really wanna make it happen. This film is my baby.

sian driving test on tuesday i just hope i can finally fucking pass it already. im sick and tired of lessons and lessons and being told what to do.

seems like she has moved on...now i dont see her trying to strike up convos with me and i guess it was all sealed since that last convo. had to lie abt the sm bit to make her feel jealous or something but didnt worki guess. looks like she is finally happy with that paedophile.

fucking sian i need to know more girls.

oh fucking malay wedding downstairs. if u ever want to grow up and become a wedding singer and sing for malay weddings at void decks...please PLEASE PLEASE dont sing out of key and annoy the whole fucking neighbourhood.

woah i finally touched my bass again after a year of no activity and the best part? I STILL HAVE IT!!!

haha i still remember my fretboard, i still know where to place my fingers and came up with some groovy lines. I also managed to play another brick in the wall without even looking at the tabs...and its a pretty simple song just that i played it on D instead.

god i miss those days when davin was staying here....we'd jam from 5am right up to 8am before smoking a stick at the makeshift smoking point outside, throwing a waterbomb or two at the cheena basketball dumbasses below before calling it a night. And we'd jam all sorts of songs, write originals and do our interchangable tapping solos...fucking awesome.

oh well, good things were never meant to last. :)

bla bla blabber blabber bitch bitch

i dont understand why she needs to know her name...its none of her business anymore.

fuck man cant wait to get my life back on track...i know that woman is into sm as well so its gonna be pretty interesting heh.....divorcee....how kinky.

fuck this sounds so wrong in many different levels lol

i really hate the roads at ubi

i think im starting to feel a bit better now but certain things still irk me once in a while. i need to get my mojo back i been procrastinating on amnesia for far too long i need to get started on the dialogues ahh.

and i need to practise bass and write new basslines for pravda. life is so fucking boring its like at a standstill now....but at least i feel the depression slowly disappearing...i hope.

i just try to think positive and i really need to constantly keep busy or else my mind will start slipping away to forbidden territory...yup.

it makes sense now...when she said he hits harder, she probably meant, he fucks harder.

lol hes 12 yrs older than me and fucked a hundred more women than me...obviously hes more seasoned and experienced how to compare. hes better than me in probably every single aspect. oh well at least im only 24. i know that when i reach his age i will be much better than he currently is now and too bad she wont be there to enjoy it. i saved it for her but she wanted to jump the gun. her loss.

and somehow i think half the females in the world only made it cos of their boobs and pussy. if ur a female and u disagree with me, u probably make up the other half.

oh btw....instead of cutting myself again, i decided to do something different. I just hope this symbolises the start of a new life...

funny enough, i looked at the mirror and realised i do actually look a little like nicholas anelka lol

i never felt that much pain in my entire life before. 2 minutes of non stop rubbing i was biting my lips to avoid screaming out..i could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and i remmeber walking out shivering like a junkie and i just felt empty.

i will never forget this feeling for the rest of my life. I thought last week was the lowest point, never knew it could actually get worse than that.

thanks for all that bullshit you put me thru, thanks a lot for hiding ur deep little secret from me until it was too late. i dont know how to forgive and forget something like that but at least i know i deserve much better than that little cumslut.

goodbye.

i FUCKING love this song....the lyrics really apply to how im feeling now....gotta thank d for sending me this song. it makes me feel a bit better everytime i hear it.

http://www.lyricstop.com/d/dryyoureyes-thestreets.html

The reason why i posted a link instead of the lyrics itself is cos when i copied and pasted it..it came out in one big chunk which im too fucking lazy to edit.

i spent like 30 mins sitting around in dhoby ghaut all by myself...alone time is good but argh i hate the feeling of being lonely seriously

its 132pm...just finished driving lesson and waiting for soccer training. i hope im not jinxing it by saying that i got my road confidence back...other than a few sharp turns i pretty much did well.

the shitty feeling is coming back. it comes and goes and its fucking annoying. i disappointed a lot of people with what i did but whats done is done i guess. but i still feel i rather hurt myself than others cos i know im VERY capable of that. i can be a destructive person and i dont want to be that monster again.

its going to be one fucking long hard road again with me trying to achieve whatever the hell i set out to achieve. at least last time i had pam by my side. now shes gone so im all alone. dont know if i can ever do it....gotta wait and see i guess.

its a miracle seriously....

i really really really want it to work out this time....i cannot and will not become a failure in life

im highhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

stella artois tastes just like hoegaarden sialllllll

FUCKING CHEEBAI FIRST YOU SAY U WANNA MEET OKAY FINE I WAIT FOR YOU THEN U TELL ME U HAVE TO CANCEL LAST MIN COS U OVERLOADED WITH SCHOOL WORK OKAY SO FINE I JUST LET IT BE.

THEN NOW U COME AND TELL ME U NOT GOING SCHOOL SO WE CAN MEET ANYTIME. OK FINE I WAKE U UP AT 1 AND U TELL ME TO CALL U AGAIN AT 130. I CALL YOU NON-STOP FOR ONE FUCKING HOUR AND I DONT EVEN GET A RESPONSE. FUCK IS YOUR PHONE ON SILENT OR SOMETHING? 1 FUCKING HOUR EVEN IF U WERE ON SLEEPING PILLS IT WILL STILL WAKE YOU UP.

IF UR FUCKING DOING THIS ON PURPOSE THEN SAY SO INSTEAD OF MAKING ME WASTE MY FUCKING TIME AND ENERGY WAITING AND WAITING AND CALLING OVER AND OVER AGAIN LA CHEEBAI. I FUCKING POSTPONED THE MEETING WITH THE INVESTOR COS I WANTED TO MEET YOU. FUCK YOU LA SERIOUSLY

THIS NEVER HAPPENED LAST TIME NOW SUDDENLY GOT THESE KINDA BULLSHIT HAPPENING SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND.

anne-marie is such a darling. i remember when we first knew each other in 2003 we both had our relationship problems and we helped each other

now, 5 years later we didnt really meet as much but im glad she still took time off her busy schedule to talk to me and help me out of this mess and i really appreciate it. i wish her all the best with her bf

and drinking session was good, but now i have this preconcieved hatred towards all ang mohs and it didnt help there were 2 ang mohs with their asian slut SPG wives behind making so much fucking noise. if not for daryl's dad telling me he knew them, i swear i might have done something

good thing daryl n clifford asked me to walk with them, that relaxed me a little.

im glad i still have friends to help me out of this....i'd be in hell if not for them

ok im still in hell but aiya i dont know la

fuck

nothings gonna change the fact that shes gonna be happily fucking random guys while all i do is sit back and wonder.

fucked up

the battle scars are fucking itchy lol

over means over lahhhhhhhhhh

thanks michelle for the songs....awesome stuff for these ungodly hours

A picture speaks a thousand words..

been close to 7 years since i last did this.......missed the feeling

oh in case u cant count, theres 29 =)

i guess this is it. i have finally reached the lowest point in my life.

i have no job, no financial security, i have no family support. im the black sheep of the family now simply because i can never ahdere to their wants.

i have no money, i cant do whatever i want.

i have a company that doesnt seem to be going anywhere

i am 24 and i have not achieved a single thing in life

lovelife....lets not get there.

i think its time to call it quits. i just cut off the fingernail and deleted her pictures. i think tomorow im going down to the barber to shave my head.....i need to do something drastic. i was toying with the idea of slashing myself but i cant go to a job interview with bloodied hands. yeah im just 7 hours away from it and i cant even sleep. i dont feel sleepy at all. i went down, bought a pack using my savings and smoked 8 in a row. strangely enough although my throat in burning, i do feel a little bit better now...better in the sense that i now actually have the energy to come online.

siv..its over....its all over its time to start afresh its time to wake up its time to throw away the past and embrace the present. this is the reality of life. i have conned myself all this while. my own short sightnedness. now im paying the price of it.

i need alcohol...i really need something....weed would be awesome


seriously.....i need to do something


goodbye.

dont these people have a wife and kid or two back home in their own country?
i see singaporean guys everywhere whining and bitching about how these ang mohs come here and steal our women. i dont understand whats so nice about them seriously.

some of them stink, even worse than banglas, some have bad breath, a lot of them have attitude problems. I still recall the most unsporting teams we played against were all ang moh teams. 3-0 up and they will start belittling the opponents. I have had enough of this bullshit seriously, this whole white power thing is really driving me up the wall. Just because they are sweet talkers does not make them any better than the average asian man. Unless girls just dont want to admit its their dongs that they are really after.

This whole caucasian fever has been pissing me off since i was young and i find it ironic that she, the same person who once told me that she cant take caucasians seriously is actually seriously dating one, almost twice her age.

I sound like a sourpuss yeah sure i am so who the fuck cares. nobody reads this shit anyway. I have made a vow that next year when we play in the equatorial league with about at least 6 ang moh teams in there. I have to at least seriously injure at least one of them from every single team. Childish as it may seem but im a very vengeful person and nothing is gonna stop me.

im sick and tired of these foreign fucks coming into MY country and taking our women. They wanna play this game with us, we will fight back.

oh and i have lost every single ounce of respect for local ASIAN girls who think white is better. You want white? go take a fucking chalk and stick it into your vagina. Respect gone.

fuck you.

ok i dont know what the fuck happened last night. It would have been nice if she just told me she was tired or something so at least i get the hint....she just left without a trace and i started calling and messaging her a million times....so unlike me i dont know whats wrong with me.

ok so interview with zomedia tomorow. at least i know someone in there so it wont be so bad. i guess i have to deal with 3 months of bullshit pay and then hope for the best. whatever it is i need to do something about my life...it seems to be stagnating and this is not good. im already 24 im supposed to be reaching my peak soon. singlehood omg i hate singlehood fuck

okay so i just found out that she is dating some ang moh australian guy who could be almost twice her age. i really dont know whats her affinity with old men, or rather, old ang moh men. But i guess that explains why the other day she got so defensive when i was talking about SPGs and why they are scums.

that aside, i also find out that he is into BDSM as well, so i guess i can just imagine all that sodom and gemorrah hard hitting sex taking place soon. belly and all included.

what i dont understand is, why the hell is she always the one with the upper hand. technically speaking, she has gone 4 up while i'm still stuck with nothing.
whatever....im sick of feeling like a loser day in day out, people my age are achieving things and all i do is whine and achieve nothing. Fuck this

i think i really am going to do it after all. 3 days of no contact at all with the outside world. I need time to rediscover myself and my priorities in life. Even if it means shaving my head bald and cutting off that damn fingernail. I have to do it, sooner or later.

fuck

i just realised i havent updated in exactly a month HAHAHA this is what happens all the time when i attempt to start a blog. First month update like hero then will slowly stop then eventually over time totally forgotten. I have to stop this bad habit.

Other than the fact that i been working like a dog over the script i havent been doing much, which means i havent been earning much, much to the chagrin of my parents.

fuck fuck fuck its not easy making a film but i have to do it....i WILL do it. Im glad there are people out there willing to help me on this and i Mustnt let them down...i MUST NOT let myself down....

TRAILER!!

OUT OF A JOB!

AND IM NOT REGRETTING A SINGLE BIT IN FACT IM GLAD I'M OUT OF THAT SHITHOLE.

I UNDERSTAND THE SINGAPORE MEDIA INDUSTRY IS SUCH THAT YOU WORK LONG HOURS AND GET PAID PEANUTS AND ITS FOR PASSION MORE THAN ANYTHING BUT I CANT SENSE ANY PASSION THERE. IF THE BOSS CAN BUY A JAGUAR WHILE THE REST OF HIS STAFF ARE EARNING PEANUTS WORKING WAY OVERTIME WITHOUT GETTING ADDITIONAL OVERTIME PAY THEN I SENSE SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMEWHRE.

THE COMPANY IS A DISGRACE TO THE WORD CREATIVE. SURE THEY HAVE 3 CREATIVE DIRECTORS BUT I DONT SEE ANY OUNCE OF CREATIVITY IN THEM. THEY ARE JUST BLAND, ORDINARY PEOPLE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

I DONT WANT TO END UP ON THE SAME PATH AS A MILLION OTHER SINGAPOREAN WANNABE FILM MAKERS WITH TALENT AND IDEAS WHO JONED COMPANIES LIKE THESE AND EVENTUALLY LET THEIR CREATIVITY AND ENERGY ROT AWAY

NO WAY IN HELL.

GOOD RIDDANCE

THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS IT SEEMS LIKE DISEASE A LOT OF SINGAPOREAN GIRLS HAVE

FUCKING STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

NO WONDER PEOPLE THINK IM A MISOGYNIST

oh and im finally at scene 40...just managed to reach the part where dan gives the documents to his boss to sign



and also threw in a few national education elements like the "dont make fun of gays" and "not all filipinas are maids"....Singapore education system shud have more national education issues like these instead of lee kuan yew is god and without PAP we will be like east timor.

wah lan eh the F1 engines fucking loud can? can hear all the way from dhoby ghaut.

anyway i dont know how i managed to do it but i managed to get the day off today. its so fucking boring in there i dont see the pointin going to office also wear office clothes go thre and sleep from 9 to 6 what a fucking waste of time. at least today can go see the arts thingy.

the office is full of bullshit it really overwhelms me but not bad la pretty good entertainment. i think i made the right choice by being disconnected from them. so its usually just me and mumtaz upstairs minding our own businesses talking about metal

oh oh death magnetic is fucking awesome must get

WAH LAN EH I REALISED I DIDNT POST IN A DAMN LONG TIME AND IT DIDNT FEEL SO LONG COS I WAS SO BUSY I DIDNT REALISE TIME FLEW BY SO FAST

OK I START WITH DRIVING. IN WHAT COULD PROBABLY BE THE WORST FIRST HALF OF THE DAY OF MY LIFE, EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG WENT WRONG. OK NOT REALLY EVERYTHING BUT FUCK I DONT KNOW UNTIL NOW WHY I WAS SO FUCKING NERVOUS I MEAN ITS JUST A DRIVING TEST. THERE ARE MILLIONS OF QUALIFIED DRIVERS IN THE WORLD I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS SO NERVOUS SO THEREFORE, I FUCKED IT UP. ENTER CRANK COURSE IN WRONG GEAR, TURN TOO WIDE, THTS OKAY BUT THE WORST WAS HITTING THE KERB TWICE. I NEVER HIT KERB BEFORE DURING LESSONS I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THE FUCK IT HAPPENED IN THE TEST ITSELF CHEEBAI AND THE TESTER ALSO ANOTHER ONE STRAIGHT FACED FUCKER LIKE HE NOT HAPPY IM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. NEVER FELT LIKE SUCH A LOSER IN A LONG TIME.

THAT ASIDE, YESTERDAY FILMING LOOKS LIKE ITS GETTING BACK TO ITS OLD WAYS OF LONG UNPLANNED HOURS BUT THATS OKAY. THE HIGHLIGHT HAS TO BE THE MOUNT FABER SHOOT TOGETHER WITH THE SPI. I WAS QUITE SHOCKED WHEN THEY SENT 3 KIDS TO FOLLOW US. WHEN I MEAN KIDS, THEY ARE ONLY 16, ACCOMPANIED BY A 30+ GUY. NVM THAT ASIDE, THEY EVENTUALLY DID THEIR JOB AFTER SLOWING US DOWN INITIALLY BUT THIS IS WHERE THE WEIRD SHIT STARTED

FIRST WE WENT TO THE KERAMAT PUTERI RADIN MAS WHICH ESSENTIALLY IS THE TOMB OF A 16TH CENTURY JAVANESE PRINCESS. I SWEAR I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS A GATE THERE THAT WOULD BE LOCKED AT 6PM AND WE WERE THERE AT 9. NVM ABT THAT THE WEIRD THING WAS, THERE WERE DOGS BARKING AT US, ONE OF THE NEIGHBOURING HOUSES, SURE THEY BARKED AND BARKED THEN AFTER A WHILE, THEY STARTED HOWLING. IM AMAZED NOBODY ELSE NOTICED THIS BUT THE MOMENT THEY STARTED HOWLING I STARTED TO HAVE A BAD FEELING. SO AS WE LEFT THE PLACE, I SILENTLY UTTERED AN APOLOGY.

NEXT THE SPI GUYS, 3 OF THEM, ONE OF THEM FOLLOWED THE MAIN CORE OF THE TEAM DOWN TO THE NEXT LOCATION WHILE ME, ASST PRODUCER AND 2 MORE SPI GUYS WENT UPHILL TO THE TOP OF MOUNT FABER TO HE RESTAURANT TO GET SOME DRINKS. AFTER THAT UNCLE DROVE US DOWN TO THE MAIN VENUE. THIS IS WHEN WEIRD SHIT PART 2 HAPPENS.

UNCLE, WITH 24 YEARS OF DRIVING EXPERIENCE SOMEHOW REVERSES HIS CAR INTO A DRAIN, SO THE FRONT TYRE GOT LODGED INSIDE AND THE WHOLE VEHICLE TILTED SIDEWAYS. SO WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO THINK OF SOMETHING FAST. WE TOOK BRICKS AND CONCRETE SLABS NEARBY AND STUCK IT IN FRONT OF THE WHEEL WHILE UNCLE GAVE METHE JACK AND ASKED ME TO LIFT THE VEHICLE. OMG IT WAS FUCKING TIRING I PRACTICALLY USED UP MY STRENGTH TO LIFT THE FUCKING THING UP AND EVENTUALLY MANAGED TO DO IT. (ITS NOT EASY USING A JACK WHEN U PLACE IT AT THE 1/5TH MARK OF THE BUMPER, BY RIGHT IT SHUD BE AT THE CENTER WHERE U GET MORE BALANCE). SO ANYWAY AFTER THE BRICKS, ALL THE CREW GUYS WENT TO THE BACK TO TRY AND PUSH THE CAR OUT BUT IT STILL WOULDNT BUDGE. SO I TOLD THEM NVM, THE 3 GUYS ON THE RIGHT LIFT UP THE CAR WHILE I ALONE ON THE LEFT SIDE WILL PUSH THE CAR DOWN AND USE MY BODYWEIGHT TO PUSH THE CAR, THAT WAY IT WILL GIVE TRACTION TO THE LEFT REAR WHEEL SINCE ITS A REAR WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE ANYWAY. SO AFTER USING ALL MY MIGHT I FINALLY FELT THE THING MOVE AND LO AND BEHOLD, THE TAXI WAS UP ONTHE ROAD AGAIN. SO AFTER A LITTLE CELEBRATION SUDDENLY DIRECTOR KENA ASTHMA ATTACK. IT WAS WEIRD COS I KNOWN HIM FOR 4 MTHS AND I NEVER SEEN HIM WHEEZE UNTIL LIKE THAT. I WAS ALMOST GOING TO CALL ALEXANDRA HOSPITAL TO GET HIM THERE COS IT LOOKED BAD BUT HE EVENTUALLY RECOVERED. THEN I REALISED SOMETHING...

I TALKED TO BALU AND ASKED HIM DID HE SAY ANY PRAYER OR APOLOGY WHEN HE LEFT THE KERAMAT AND HE SAID YES. THATS WHERE I GOT THE WHOLE GROUP TOGETHER AND TOLD THE UNCLE TO SEND THEM BACK TO THE KERAMAT, GET THEM TO STAND IN FRONT AND SAY A PRAYER AND AN APOLOGY AND THEN COME BACK. TRUE ENOUGH NOTHING WEIRD HAPPENED AFTER THAT.

THEN CAME THE TREK. 30 MINS OF BASHING INTO THE FOREST TO FIND THE JAPANESE TOMB. THE WHOLE PARANORMAL THING DIDN SCARE ME, WHAT WORRIED ME WAS WHEN WE WERE WALKING IN WE SAW THIS BUNCH OF BANGLAS AND THEY SPOKE TO US (IN GOOD ENGLISH) WARNING US OF COBRAS AND WILD DOGS IN THE FORESTED AREA. IN THE END WE ONLY GOT ATTACKED BY ANTS MOSTLY.

WE ALSO SAID SOME APOLOGIES IN THE JAPANESE TOMB BEFORE HEADING OFF. I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUN OVERALL BUT I JUST CANNOT HELP BUT THINK THAT THIS WHOLE SUPERNATURAL THING DOES EXIST IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. BASICALLY WE DONT DISTURB THEM, THEY WONT DISTURB US.

YA I THINK THTS ABOUT IT.

WAH HEADACHE OVER FINALLY WE HAVE A NEW PRINTER AND SUPPLIER

HERBERT SWEET OLD GUY HIS STUFF LOOKS GOOD AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, HE GIVE US GOOD PRICE COS HE THINKS WE DAMN POOR THING

I NEVER THOUGHT SINGAPORE STILL HAD NICE PEOPLE LEFT

MIYUKI LANJIAO CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES, HOPE THE THAI RIOTS WILL BURN THEIR FACTORY (IF IT EXISTS)

OMG SIANSIANSIAN OFFICE IS SO FUCKIN DEAD IM AT SCENE 23 AND IM STARTING TO RUN OUT OF IDEAS EVEN MUMTAZ AGREES THE OFFICE IS THE WORST PLACE TO BE CREATIVE ITS SO BORING AND BLAH HERE U CANT THINK AT ALL

FUCK

OH MY GOD WHY AM I SO FUCKING SLEEPY I THOUGHT I SLEPT 7 HOURS STILL NOT ENOUGH...


AND DRIVING OMG DRIVING I DONT KNOW ISSIT THE SAME FOR EVERYONE BUT EVERYTIME I HIT THE CIRCUIT MY CONFIDENCE GOES DOWN THE DRAIN AND I MAKE MISTAKES AFTER MISTAKES AFTER MISTAKES

AND I KNOW THE INSTRUCTOR KEEPS PUSHING AND PUSHING WHICH IS ANNOYING TO A CERTAIN EXTENT BUT THIS IS BAD IM MAKING MISTAKES WHICH I NEVER MADE BEFORE

I REALLY THINK I SHOULD STICK TO DRIVING BAREFOOT I WEAR SHOES THE FEEL IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THIS IS SO ANNOYING JUST 7 DAYS LEFT TO MY TP AND IM STILL STUCK

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????

THE NEW AIR FARCE COMMERCIALS ARE A FUCKING JOKE

A CAREER FOR A HIGHER PURPOSE???? THATS THE WORST CASE OF BLEEDING RUBBISH I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS THE COPYWRITER WHO CAME UP WITH THIS CRAP OUGHT TO GET SACKED AND MAGGOTS THROWN INTO HIS MOUTH.

NOW MINDEF THINKS ITS GOD?? SIMI LANJIAO HIGHER PURPOSE? WHY NOT MAKE EVERY SINGLE SERVICEMAN SHAVE HIS HEAD BALL AND CUT OFF HIS LANJIAO AND BECOME EUNUCHS THEN MAYBE I BELIEVE THIS HIGHER PURPOSE BULLSHIT

SINGAPORE IS A SMALL FRY AND WILL ALWAYS BE A SMALL FRY. ALL IT TAKES IS A NUCLEAR MISSILE AND ITS PAI PAI LITTLE ISLAND DONT FORCE FEED US WITH THIS HIGHER PURPOSE BULLSHIT BECAUSE UR GODLIKE AIRPLANES WONT BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU ANYWAY

FUCKING STUPID

OH YA LOGO

I BEEN SAYING THIS A MILLION TIMES.....NOBODY KNOWS SINGAPORE BETTER THAN A SINGAPOREAN. I CANT STAND THE IDEA OF ALL THESE INDIA FUCKS COMING IN TRYING TO DO OUR WORK FOR US AND GIVING US A SHIT JOB.

OF THE 5 LOGOS THAT CAME FROM INDIA, NONE OF THEM HAD ANY CLASS AND I WAS EVEN MORE SHOCKED THAT THE CEO AND VASANTHAM PICKED A LOGO WITH A MYRIAD OF 10 DIFFERENT COLORS INCLUDING LIME GREEN, PINK AND YELLOW TO BE OUR OFFICIAL LOGO WHAT THE FUCK

EVEN THE DIRECTOR AND LEASHA THOUGHT MY LOGO WAS THE BESTOF THE LOT...AT LEAST MINE WAS ONLY 3 COLORS OMG COLOR BLIND MAMA FUCKS.

WAH FUCKING BORING BALLS

whole day donno do what sai but at least vc decided that the program is good enough so thats a weight off the shoulders.

now have to redo the place as we are downsizing to 24 episodes

fuck i forgot what i wanted to say

this is so fucking painful i cant fuking do anything i cant sit or stand or fucking sleep

fuck why do i have to be so fucking suay

oh and i got avid express pro whhahwhahwhaa

some random bhai fella came up to me yesterday while i was filming out the african restaurant and just told me today (yesterday) is my lucky day. I am a lucky man and i have plenty of good luck coming my way.


yeah sure, im still going thru the same mundane bullshit.


good thing serangoon road is done...i dont have to go back to that shithole ever again omg the smell.


this band is slowly starting to turn into an obsession i never felt since the panopticon days. im so fucking meticulous right up to the point of deciding the kind of sound each member will play....ahhh where the fuck am i going to find a 2nd guitarist.

i trust the rest including pam and ravin to know what kind of sound i want.....im only more worried about vel..this operatic vocal style wont do, i want something like tori amos....ahhhh fuck

OH MY GOD MY FUCKING LEGS FUCK FUCK FUCK IM GETTING OLD LAST TIME I CAN RUN AROUND LIKE MONKEY FOR DAYS AND WONT FEEL THIS EXHAUSTED

FUCK

holy shit just now was fucking scary i almost hit a motorcyclist cos the fucker totally went into my blind spot and i made that mistake of not checking thank god the instructor helped me swerve in time which didnt do any good to my ego. Yes i know that most L plate drivers always stall their engines or make stupid mistakes L plate drivers do and i think i am one of the better L plate drivers out there as my instructor claims but stupid mistakes like this must NEVER happen....fucking kick in the face.

im still wondering if fatty is a good option because that will mean i have to teach him from scratch and i dont really have the time this is so bloody annoying. Ravin is in and i still cant seem to contact ben so now all im left with is a 2nd guitarist and effects controller.

pam or fatty? at least i know one of them wont suddenly get emo attack and start threatening to leave the band.

i think im starting to cool down after the incident. poor woman seems depressed but better not to talk for now lest i say the wrong things and fuck things up for her. can tell she trying to catch my attention by giving me youtube links, something she never done before....nice video though.

i also realised love is a funny thing. You can have so much of anger and hate over it but it will still be there....who am i kidding lol.

oh my god im so fucking hungry

baybeats today was good i was quite surprised electrico actually sounds good but i was even more impressed with that band i forgot the name the one with the female drummer fuck for a moment they sounded like deftones and then suddenly they sounded like muse.

i went alone and just as i had expected, bumped into random people i know here and there...was surprised to see hanz though.

soccer match was disappointing missed a clear cut chance the fucking 4 weeks of no action didnt take a toll physically but i sure as hell was rusty and it didnt help that the field was so fucking small run run run like a fucking dog and i will never get the ball also. shitty that i got substituted

i really want to start this band and start writing my own stuff. i know i have a lot of ideas in my head but i guess one thing at a time. at the end of the day a band is a team effort, one person fucks up and the whole band goes to hell i been through that so many times and that probably explained why i never made it. its quite sad to see so many bands out there playing mediocre to good shit but i can never get an act together, fuck this.

i wonder how tomorows bands are gonna be like...i need to start going for gigs again, i need to start jamming again, i need to start playing my bass again and most importantly, i need to start writing new stuff again. I think i might get fatty into the band, i never really involved him in anything so far...maybe this could bea start, provided he doesnt fuck up.

its a strangely quiet day

office feels empty, work is done i just dont have the mood to do anything. have a match later but i dont know how 4 weeks of non-action is going to affect my fitness, probably might not last the entire match...provided the match is on in the first place because the weather is so bloody hard to predict these days.

yesterday started out fine and turned out into such a disaster. something i never thought i'll ever do, and i ended up doing it. she starts getting all apologetic and stuff which is funny cos when i fuck up and apologise all she says is apologies dont mean shit.

whatever it is, i come in in the morning and i check my email and i see jewel of all people thanking me for god knows what and this woman starts her usual nonsense by assuming im having some extra-marital affair with her.

fuck this im glad and sad this relationship is over. it is by far the best and the worst relationship i ever had. best for the good reasons and worst for the well...worst reasons. nobody fucking hits me, that too in a public place. i would have pummelled the fucker to death if it was a guy and somehow even after so much self control i still ended up hitting her a few times which is fucked up anyway

im sure people saw what happened and i dont know how the fuck im gonna go there and watch the fucking concert without getting stared at

otherside orchestra is a fucking solid band, the kind of stuff ialways wanted to play would have been cool to watch the whole set had the stupid bitch not come and ruined it for me.

nobody fucking hits me

this is also probably the first post that i typed out without using capitals haha.

SOME PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING IRRITATING

I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT I DONT NEED SOME FUCKFACE TO TELL ME TO DO SOMETHING I ALREADY KNOW AND CONTINUOUSLY REITERATE OVER AND OVWER AND OVER WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID OR WHAT

IM SERIOUSLY GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF WORKING HERE AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF THE COMPANY BUT BECAUSE OF THIS CHEEBAIFACE WHO DOESNT KNOW ANYTHING YET THINKS HE DOES AND THINKS HE SOME BIG FUCK CAN ORDER PEOPLE AROUND EH GO FUCK YOUR GHEE LACED BANGLA KELINGKIA ANUS YOU UNDERSTAND YOU STUPID FUCK

FUCKING HELL FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AND I GET FUCKING DRENCHED

FUCK THE FUCKING WEATHER LA SERIOUSLY

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS??

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU RUN A BUSINESS WHEN YOU TAKE 4 FUCKING MONTHS TO PRINT SOME SHIRTS AND THEN YOU TELL ME THE THING FUCKED UP OH FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND???

SECONDLY THESE LOCAL DOGS SHOULD BE THANKFUL WE ARE GIVING THEM BUSINESS STILL WANT TO FUCKING KUAI LAN 20 BUCKS PER PIECE? FUCK YOU U THINK U PRINTING JEAN PAUL GAULTIER'S LANJIAO ISSIT?? FUCKING FUCKED UP FUCKERS

I AM SO FUCKING BORED BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING SMARTASS WHO DECIDED TO COME TO THE OFFICE WHILE THE REST CLEARED THEIR OFFS TODAY SO THEREFORE I ALSO HAVE TO END UP DOING STUPID SHIT WORK LIKE CARRYING TABLES AND BLA BLA BLA HORSESHIT


WHY OH FUCKING WHY DID I DECIDE TO COME TODAY AHHHH

New

HAHAHAHA I STARTED A BLOG.

I STARTED A BLOG BECAUSE WHEN I OPEN MY MOUTH IN PERSON PEOPLE COMPLAIN AND WHINE AND BITCH THAT I COMPLAIN AND WHINE AND BITCH TOO MUCH SO HERE I AM RANTING AWAY BECAUSE IN CYBERSPACE NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM.


OH FUCK FILMING TOMOROW OH FUCKING HOORAY I CANT FUCKING WAIT....