It's been a while again.

Over the year, I have made 3+1 short films, I think this is my highest yield ever in my insignificant career so far. Flutter was first, my thesis film that was completed in May/June. Followed by A Conscious Awakening, an interesting project where I worked in collaboration with a friend from Fashion, Purgatory, a film that was 1 year in the making, TT3's official first short film. And then, a very impromptu social project, We Are One Kind. So yes, I have done a lot of work, I have made films, I have endured sleepless nights, losing weight like a mofo, destroying my health in the process and what have I gotten so far?

To put it bluntly, to call myself a film maker is a joke because first of all, the only times my films have been screened were 2 events, one at the Substation for First Take and the other, also at the Substation for the Singapore Short Film Awards 2 years ago where every single film got played anyway. In other words, I am a film maker that doesnt deserve to be called a film maker.

While people I have worked with are getting their films shown in film festivals around the World, I'm still stuck with nothing, it's like I went full circle and got nothing, absolutely nothing. Nobody outside my social circle knows of me. Now that I graduated (with 1st class honours somemore), it's been 3 months and I'm still at home, jobless, wondering why nobody wants to hire me. I sent out applications after applications after applications and nothing, not a fucking reply. Isn't anyone hiring anymore? Production houses pay a pittance and I would only stay on in production for freelance work otherwise there's no point. I want to go back into advertising but it seems hard to break into there too. I mean come on, I have experience in writing, I applied for copywriting jobs, isn't there anyone looking for a copywriter?

Actually what really am I doing here and what is my purpose? Why the fuck am I always entangled in grey areas all my fucking life? When I decided to become a film maker, I vowed to stay away from the conventional HDB family dramas and instead, focus on stories with universal themes. As a result, Singaporean audiences didn't get it and international film festivals can't give a shit. So ultimately I wasted peoples' time and money, making films that nobody gives a shit about. So why did I sacrifice so many things to do this? Why the fuck did I decide to do film? Every day, I just start to regret more and more.

Speaking of progression, I am starting to hate everything around me all over again, its like relapsing to the old days. Why? I don't know. But people are starting to piss me off, my surroundings piss me off, everything, everyone. I don't even know where to begin. I've taken to living like a hermit the past couple of weeks but I need fucking money, I need fucking money to survive, to eat my lunch, to have 3 meals a day at least. And I can't get that when fucktards ask me to work on their projects for free. "Uh we can't pay you but we can give you exposure". Fuck you and your exposure. If I wanted exposure I'd rather film myself masturbate and upload it all over youtube, thats more than any exposure you fucktards can give me. And it baffles me when you're making a film about National Service, commissioned by a CDC and you can't afford to pay me? Go fuck yourself with a cactus understand?

I hate this place, I hate everything about everything. I haven't had a break in 5 years its getting to me. I haven't had any moments where I felt motivation of some sort lately, nothing. What am I doing with my life? I don't know.

Fuck this.

new phone, a sony xperia arc and omg the phone is scarily controlling my life i swear

In other news, today is convocation day and from what I know, a lot of my friends are there...I cant be arsed to go, level 2 was a waste of my fucking time.

It's been a horrible week so far. My best friend passed out yesterday after vomitting blood, got rushed to hospital and is now waiting for blood transfusion, its all complications from her medical condition; aplastic anaemia. It's shitty that I can't do anything about it but I really wish nothing happens to her. She's only 21 and she has a full life ahead of her, massively talented girl and it'd be a fucking shame if the World loses someone like her.

Which makes me wonder why is it that the people who deserve to live are all disappearing one by one and the people that you wish were dead just keeps increasing? Sometimes it makes you wonder if Earth is actually hell, f you're actually living your afterlife of punishment over here.

SIFF starts this week, the booklets are out, everything is all the rage and it's pissing the shit out of me. Yes I'm sour. I admit. Everyone is in there except me. I'm still a fucking nobody and I can't stand it. Please for fucks sake stop talking about the SIFF and posting pictures of your name in the booklet because I dont give a fuck.

And the worst part is I can't run away from it because a lot of the events are taking place in my school. Fuck this shit.

Also, can I finally make a film the way I want it to? Without any external influences telling me how it should be made or people questioning me over every little fucking thing? I know what I am doing, I don't need to answer your questions. I know how to make a good film so shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

And now with my friend down, I don't even know if we can make Purgatory because she's supposed to be producing it. Seriously, fuck this month.

Its been an obscenely long time since I posted here. I feel bad simply because this blog was my only avenue to really express how I felt and because I've been busy and actually forgot my password, I kind of neglected it. I mean compared to the past few years, I've been generally happier and things have been looking up. I've managed to achieve some new and cool things and I'm proud of myself for that. For starters, I have created an online CV instead of the conventional PDF everyone else makes. http://sivarajpragasm.tumblr.com/ I'm still in the midst of constructing it of course, I want to make it simple yet informative and able to provide as much details as possible of what I've done so far. I think its relevant in the field I'm in where portfolio matters and it only makes sense to have a CV where you can actually view the works I've made. I am done with school and I'm graduating with 1st Class Honours! Not bad for someone who hated studying and was stuck in the Normal Academic batch in Secondary school. Not just 1st Class Honours but I was also a recipient of the LASALLE Future Leader Scholarship as well. So yeah, a scholar hahaha. My thesis film, Flutter recieved a lot of mixed reviews, people either loved it or had no idea what was going on. I guess I can't please everyone, to me it was a challenge in experimentation, after all I was doing a 1 character silent film and I had the balls to do it at least. Today is a pretty so-so day because I'm stuck in the midst of reservist (off day today). The good thing about this cycle is I'm working in a 1 day on, 2 day off system so that means out of the 17 days, I only spend 5 days doing duty and the other 2 days of training which I just completed. I just hope time flies so I can get this shit over and done with and resume with my life. I really really want to get a downgrade of my PES Status so I don't have to go through this bullshit again. Speaking of bullshit, I hear that I may be charged because I defaulted on my RT. Well fuck you MINDEF. I signed up for IPT and I was forced to do it while enduring the toughest semester in school and only managed to finish 5 sessions. Then when my window ended in May (I graduate in mid June and my birthday is in August), you all ask me to sign up for 20 session RT. That is fine, then you all call me up for ICT right smack in the middle of this 1 months plus window, so how the fuck am I supposed to sign up for RT, especially since I have to go for sessions 3 times a week at a time when I'm done with school and I'm trying my best to look for a job so I can recoup the losses I made over the past few productions? You think my life revolves around you and your stupid policies? Actually, you really think I give a shit about this country? Fuck that. Anyway to happier news, principal photography for Purgatory is done and right now we are in the post-production stage. It was a pretty good shoot and I was blessed with great actors and a pretty solid crew. I have yet to see the first cut but I hope that this film can be something huge. I mean Flutter was good but it was experimental and only appealed to a niche audience. This one is a bit more mainstream and I'm sure more people will enjoy it. It will of course be a dream come true if I can have both films travelling the International Film Festival circuit. I have already set Berlin as my objective and I really really hope I can meet it. Its about time I have a film I can showcase to the World and be proud of and let people know of my existence as a serious filmmaker.

been a pretty reflective moment as I have been trying to rearrange my life and my priorities and its not an easy take for sure. I'm trying to streamline my work and focus on certain areas and trying to remove all the negative aspects from my life. I got a headsup on a demo deal which I need to work on for my EssaiveE project. I also have to work on soundtracks for upcoming films. For the film side, I have Flutter which is due for shoot in a month's time and there are some issues to sort out.

Then there's Panorama, Purgatory and Myra V which is scheduled for September.

The objectives of course all count towards the formation of Toxic Tree as a full fledged company. There are currently huge plans in store which sound great but whether they can happen or not really depends on a lot of luck. I also hope that I can do a couple of music videos to rack up portfolio.

Here's my objective for 2012.

3 Music Videos
4 Short Films (Flutter wont be under Toxic Tree but I will incorporate it as part of our resume)
1 Demo/Album for EssaiveE.
At least 1 award.

All other soundtrack work will be marketed as singles.

If I can release the album by year end, then I will sign up for Reverbnation's fan reach programmes that will allow me more exposure to put out my stuff.

Hopefully if I can find collaborators and investors, we could even start a Toxic Tree Records by 2014.

The main focus for this year is to go forth and get heard. Make good films, send them out to festivals and hopefully win an award or two. That will be the only way to get recognition and its a great start. The plan is to get at least 500 fans on FB by year end and Im aiming for this to be entirely driven by social media sites.

It all starts now.
I think the main focus for 2012 is to get our name out and work hard and get as much done in our portfolio. Its a unique idea we are working on and its disappointing that I have heard people trying to steal this idea. But life goes on.

So from now its all about the short films and looking for clients, start indie and then slowly expand. And hopefully by then, we have enough substance to start looking for investors and then, there's no turning back.

Hope this goes well. It's the best chance I have to make something out of my life.