No I'm not in a relationship. It's just a smokescreen for my friend who keeps getting pestered by some guy so I agreed to pretend to be her boyfriend.

It is interesting the reactions I got though.

Starting work on the Icelandic project, creating the list of venues to feature, officially started work on the new EssaiveE stuff. Just uploaded "There Are Those Voices" last night. You can listen to it via the widget on t he right side of this page.

Immersing myself in good music, I'm enjoying all the "me" time I'm having right now, such a refreshing moment.

I hope to create kick ass ground breaking music and get it all out by July, together with a music video to boot to kickstart my TT3 portfolio. At least to make up for the lack of quality this year, I have to do something that others will not fuck up for me.

Lets keep this momentum going!

So what happens now?
Where do we go from here?

Tomorrow is the premiere of the 4 diploma films together with the 6 thesis films that got their avant premiere last night which I conveniently chose not to attend.

Loyalty is a film I really hate, everything from the process to the actual film itself. I'm probably only proud of the soundtrack I created under the moniker "EssaiveE".

I wonder what the reaction will be like to a slightly more neutral and uninformed audience. I mean obviously film students will be able to spot all the glaring errors present throughout the film but if you look beyond the technical incompetence, I wonder if there is anything worth watching. Did I do my job as a director and direct the actors well? Did I manage to get them to deliver a good performance? Did my non-linear idea work? Are the risks I took worth it? After all, I've never come across any graduating films from LASALLE that included a crucial scene AFTER the ending credits. I got blasted by the lecturers for that move, some calling it a Hollywood gimmick, some calling it a waste. As far as I see, this is my way of saying "Fuck you" to the school. After all, the ORIGINAL story ended at the scene prior to the ending credits. That's the original pitch by the cuntface writer anyway. But my input to add the extra scene took me a lot of time and energy, fighting and justifying its existance. So of course I have every right to choose where I wanna place that scene.

Its a simple logic. If you were to watch the film as it was originally done and the last scene comes on prior to the ending credits,the audience will certainly go WTF? Because it's so disjointed. So retardedly disjointed and unbelievable. That's why I took it upon myself to have an extra setup "the Jimmy Kong character" and then throw in the payoff via a 2nd twist after the ending credits. It was my work, it was my effort, it was all my arguments that showed in that last scene. I even edited that portion myself.

Test screenings among other film students went quite predictably. They spent most of the time pointing out the technical errors which I am very well aware of. But more importantly, they actually liked the extra scene. Not only because it gave the film and story an extra dimension, but it gave a sense of balance. The original story painted the male lead as a prick and the female as a submissive loser. The new format paints the guy as an oblivious prick and the female as a scheming prick. Which is a better balance?

Tomorrow onwards, I will get first-hand reviews of this film which I am totally not proud of, yet have to face the fact that I was director. I hold responsibility for what you see and hear on the screen during that 10 minutes. It was a hard and painful journey. I went to hell and back. I endured sleepless nights, panic attacks, anger management issues, health issues, financial issues, lost people who were once friends. Of course I made new friends as well. But I did all that for the film. Whether it flops or succeeds is now beyond me. All I know is, I have to learn from this and move on. I may have been victimized and thrown into a huge pit, but I have to learn to get out of it.

It's time to show the World what I'm really capable of, I just need that opportunity. I can't let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's success.

Hope you enjoy the film if you do get to watch it.


On an unrelated note, its been a refreshing couple of weeks. However I need to get back to work next week. Establishing my new collective, getting the essential paperwork done and of course, do the Icelandic project. I am seeking happiness and I know its not unattainable, but I have to work for it.

However, disappointments and expectations will be the death of me.

later tonight, I'm going to do something I haven't done in the longest time ever.

I'm going out for dinner with a girl. I don't even know if thats considered a date but you know what? I'm actually feeling nervous. Not pee in the pants nervous but more like "wow" kind of nervous.

She's cute and I enjoy speaking to her but of course I'm not one to expect anything. I asked her out because I felt that now's the time I catch up on my social life after slaving away the past 2 years. I feel that maybe, I should embrace a new life. Not saying that I want to ditch my old life but more like, I need to seek a new happiness.

I knew her from 2 years ago, through a mutual friend but all along she was attached until a month ago, after she got dumped. Which is quite a pity because she certainly deserves better.

You know what? Maybe I should give this a go. Only have to wait and see what happens from here on.

But of course, NO expectations.

It's been a surreal past couple of weeks.

My family suddenly seems a bit more united, theres not much bitching going on and my parents are back in the same room once again. It's pretty confusing.

I've spent the past 2 weeks paying off my sleep debts, clocking in an average of 10 hours of sleep a day. Seems like my insomnia that plagued me for about 4 years is finally gone!

I'm feeling a bit lighter these days maybe because of the cleansing I'm doing with my social life, getting rid of the unwanted excesses.

I'm actually feeling slightly better than compared to the past 3 years.

Its a good change

Its been a while since I posted something long here.

Well as I sit here, with the left side of my jaw in pain after my wisdom tooth surgery a few days ago, I can't help thinking about how the past few months have been. I realised that ever since 2011 came around, it seemed more like a year of what I would call pest control. I've decided to let go of a lot of friends whom I felt were unnecessary excesses. All was fine for a while but then over time I realised that maybe, I was starting to overdo it?

I'll get back to that later. This past few months was hectic as fuck, namely because of the diploma film shoot. It was a painful process that eventually saw me get really pissed off with a certain motherfucker (I still want to break his face now as we speak). The thing is, through this semester I've realised the kinds of people that I hang around with, a lot of them are just pretentious snobs. They either think too highly of themselves, they can't prioritize what they want to do in life and the most common case, they are just way too far behind in terms of intellectual capabilities.

Think I sound elitist? Maybe, but honestly I pride myself in my honesty. I hate sugar-coating things. If you are stupid, it means you are stupid. No 2 ways about it. Maybe I am the problem, I've always had issues trusting people, or relating to them. I don't empathize very easily and I have every reason for doing that.

If people around me can see I am a victim of something that is not even my fault and then after that, claim that I am overacting and that I should just forget it and move. Well all I can tell you is, FUCK YOU.

Move on? After all those sacrifices and torture I put myself through, just move on?

Loyalty was a fucking cursed production. The mere fact that I was put to work together with this motherfucker with the excuse that "we are of the same intellectual capabilities" is a fucking insult to me. He is and will never be anywhere near me and that is a proven fact.

So after covering everyone's asses and when the crunchtime came, I eventually lost it and what happens? People take sides because said motherfucker was going around telling shit about me to people.

This is defamation right there but what can I do? If I had the financial capabilities to sue him, I would have the financial capabilities to be able to do my degree year without any problems, without having to depend on scholarships or bursaries or meetings with rich businessmen to beg them for money.

Now that school is over, and that I have finally unleashed my true colours after enduring every single ounce of bullshit. I can tell I have made much more enemies than I can handle. Sure, now I am nothing but a lonely dejected person, probably a pale shadow of an elitist snob. So what price does talent come with? Why do I have to deal with others incompetencies that erode what I am capable of? If I had things my way, I would have smashed said motherfucker's face. If I ended up in jail, with that guy being hospitalised, being a vegetable for life, it would have still given me some sort of happiness. I endured, fought the urge and what am I left with? Nothing but voices telling me to move on. Move on? What about you go fuck yourselves?

I am not going to move on. I am not going to let this pass. If I have to lose everything I have to pursue this, to hold this grudge, then so fucking be it. I don't care what I stand to gain or lose. I am up to here with all the bullshit I have had to endure from you pricks. You low-life untalented motherfuckers who have more money than abilities. Forcing people like me to bend backwards for you. You know what? You don't deserve it. You don't deserve my help, you don't deserve any favours. If you want to consider me your friend, then act like one. Otherwise, fuck off.

Yes this sounds like a diatribe, polemics if you want to call it. This feeling has been excoriating me since day 1 til I feel nothing inside anymore but emptiness. I know I have been living on hatred, rage and anger the past few years. Even I myself don't know what or why or how to explain this.

I do have moments where I sit back and think, I try to think of what made me the person I am. Is it my past? Is it my disadvantages I had to grow up with or is it some superiority complex I have? I really cannot remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The past couple of years, my only consolation was work. Everytime I made a film, I felt a sense of happiness and maybe that's why theres so much bottled rage now. Because the last film was fucked up to the core thanks to others' incompetencies and the number of restrictions that were placed upon me. Burdens if you may call it. So how do I be happy when the only thing that was supposed to make me happy failed to make me happy?

What do I do? What do I need? Friends? Yes I have some of them, they have been with me through thick and thin but my cynicism will never change. I will always expect them to walk out on me at the moment i need them most. Like what has been going on the past weeks.

Yes, I feel like I have made many enemies over the past few months, in fact I feel like everyone and everything is against me right now. I have actually never felt this alone in such a long time before and I don't even know why I'm feeling this way.

I cannot go on like this. I cannot expect to depend on just work to be happy, it will never work out, as experienced previously. I can never lie to myself and say that everything is alright because I know its not. I have come to a point where I have forgotten how to live, how to love and more importantly, how to take things seriously.

I still want to know what I need to do now to make things better for myself.

My wisdom tooth (bottom left) is now acting up. Fuck man I took out the bottom right one and it was hell and now I have to go through it again. And its slightly impacted as well argghhh this is so annoying. I cant even chew my food properly without biting into my cheek. Probably getting it removed this thursday and then followed by 2 weeks of pain. FML.