Its been a while since I posted something long here.

Well as I sit here, with the left side of my jaw in pain after my wisdom tooth surgery a few days ago, I can't help thinking about how the past few months have been. I realised that ever since 2011 came around, it seemed more like a year of what I would call pest control. I've decided to let go of a lot of friends whom I felt were unnecessary excesses. All was fine for a while but then over time I realised that maybe, I was starting to overdo it?

I'll get back to that later. This past few months was hectic as fuck, namely because of the diploma film shoot. It was a painful process that eventually saw me get really pissed off with a certain motherfucker (I still want to break his face now as we speak). The thing is, through this semester I've realised the kinds of people that I hang around with, a lot of them are just pretentious snobs. They either think too highly of themselves, they can't prioritize what they want to do in life and the most common case, they are just way too far behind in terms of intellectual capabilities.

Think I sound elitist? Maybe, but honestly I pride myself in my honesty. I hate sugar-coating things. If you are stupid, it means you are stupid. No 2 ways about it. Maybe I am the problem, I've always had issues trusting people, or relating to them. I don't empathize very easily and I have every reason for doing that.

If people around me can see I am a victim of something that is not even my fault and then after that, claim that I am overacting and that I should just forget it and move. Well all I can tell you is, FUCK YOU.

Move on? After all those sacrifices and torture I put myself through, just move on?

Loyalty was a fucking cursed production. The mere fact that I was put to work together with this motherfucker with the excuse that "we are of the same intellectual capabilities" is a fucking insult to me. He is and will never be anywhere near me and that is a proven fact.

So after covering everyone's asses and when the crunchtime came, I eventually lost it and what happens? People take sides because said motherfucker was going around telling shit about me to people.

This is defamation right there but what can I do? If I had the financial capabilities to sue him, I would have the financial capabilities to be able to do my degree year without any problems, without having to depend on scholarships or bursaries or meetings with rich businessmen to beg them for money.

Now that school is over, and that I have finally unleashed my true colours after enduring every single ounce of bullshit. I can tell I have made much more enemies than I can handle. Sure, now I am nothing but a lonely dejected person, probably a pale shadow of an elitist snob. So what price does talent come with? Why do I have to deal with others incompetencies that erode what I am capable of? If I had things my way, I would have smashed said motherfucker's face. If I ended up in jail, with that guy being hospitalised, being a vegetable for life, it would have still given me some sort of happiness. I endured, fought the urge and what am I left with? Nothing but voices telling me to move on. Move on? What about you go fuck yourselves?

I am not going to move on. I am not going to let this pass. If I have to lose everything I have to pursue this, to hold this grudge, then so fucking be it. I don't care what I stand to gain or lose. I am up to here with all the bullshit I have had to endure from you pricks. You low-life untalented motherfuckers who have more money than abilities. Forcing people like me to bend backwards for you. You know what? You don't deserve it. You don't deserve my help, you don't deserve any favours. If you want to consider me your friend, then act like one. Otherwise, fuck off.

Yes this sounds like a diatribe, polemics if you want to call it. This feeling has been excoriating me since day 1 til I feel nothing inside anymore but emptiness. I know I have been living on hatred, rage and anger the past few years. Even I myself don't know what or why or how to explain this.

I do have moments where I sit back and think, I try to think of what made me the person I am. Is it my past? Is it my disadvantages I had to grow up with or is it some superiority complex I have? I really cannot remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The past couple of years, my only consolation was work. Everytime I made a film, I felt a sense of happiness and maybe that's why theres so much bottled rage now. Because the last film was fucked up to the core thanks to others' incompetencies and the number of restrictions that were placed upon me. Burdens if you may call it. So how do I be happy when the only thing that was supposed to make me happy failed to make me happy?

What do I do? What do I need? Friends? Yes I have some of them, they have been with me through thick and thin but my cynicism will never change. I will always expect them to walk out on me at the moment i need them most. Like what has been going on the past weeks.

Yes, I feel like I have made many enemies over the past few months, in fact I feel like everyone and everything is against me right now. I have actually never felt this alone in such a long time before and I don't even know why I'm feeling this way.

I cannot go on like this. I cannot expect to depend on just work to be happy, it will never work out, as experienced previously. I can never lie to myself and say that everything is alright because I know its not. I have come to a point where I have forgotten how to live, how to love and more importantly, how to take things seriously.

I still want to know what I need to do now to make things better for myself.