its been a long time since i updated. Things have been very hectic lately. As of now, I have to prepare for a TVC shoot for World Peace Day, our school's official entry to the International White Pencil Awards and I'm the main writer/director for this. Then I have an 8000 word essay due, my dissertation that is and right now I'm only at 5000+.

Then of course theres my thesis film, Flutter to prepare for, as well as to churn out the 4th draft of the script. Its looking pretty good so far but could still do with some tightening.

Despite all that, I still managed to find some off time to go for Above and Beyond and then the Halloween Party at Zouk which was quite boring actually. This is going to be a majorly busy week but at least after assessments there will be more free time.

The Locals Recommend videos are up, and I still havent fucking gotten my money yet. What a fucking joke.

I've discovered this new app called evernote which I'm now using as a sort of secondary blog/diary and also going to use that to take down notes, write ideas, etc etc simply because its so convenient and i can sync it on both my laptop and my phone, much more readily accessible than this blog. But of course, having said that, I won't ditch this one. I've been using this for a few years and I actually like blowing off steam here once in a while, also mostly because both these accounts have no other readers except me. Well this one I'm aware of one or two people who have this in their RSS feeds but I don't care really.

Its been a long week and its going to get busier. I have an assignment due tmrw, I have my directing exercise shoot on Wednesday and a few other stuff to hand in as well. The 2 films are edging closer and closer, truth be told I've been spending more time preparing for Flutter than Purgatory...I need to re-prioritise soon.

Also, I have still YET to recieve my pay and its fucking annoying the shit out of me. He said he sent out the money order last Thursday so where the fuck is my money? I need it ASAP and I'm sick and tired of being broke. Thats why I fucking hate freelancing sometimes, you work like a dog under pressure for deadlines and they take their own fucking time to pay you.

Fuck your mothers.

new phone, a sony xperia arc and omg the phone is scarily controlling my life i swear

In other news, today is convocation day and from what I know, a lot of my friends are there...I cant be arsed to go, level 2 was a waste of my fucking time.

It's been a horrible week so far. My best friend passed out yesterday after vomitting blood, got rushed to hospital and is now waiting for blood transfusion, its all complications from her medical condition; aplastic anaemia. It's shitty that I can't do anything about it but I really wish nothing happens to her. She's only 21 and she has a full life ahead of her, massively talented girl and it'd be a fucking shame if the World loses someone like her.

Which makes me wonder why is it that the people who deserve to live are all disappearing one by one and the people that you wish were dead just keeps increasing? Sometimes it makes you wonder if Earth is actually hell, f you're actually living your afterlife of punishment over here.

SIFF starts this week, the booklets are out, everything is all the rage and it's pissing the shit out of me. Yes I'm sour. I admit. Everyone is in there except me. I'm still a fucking nobody and I can't stand it. Please for fucks sake stop talking about the SIFF and posting pictures of your name in the booklet because I dont give a fuck.

And the worst part is I can't run away from it because a lot of the events are taking place in my school. Fuck this shit.

Also, can I finally make a film the way I want it to? Without any external influences telling me how it should be made or people questioning me over every little fucking thing? I know what I am doing, I don't need to answer your questions. I know how to make a good film so shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

And now with my friend down, I don't even know if we can make Purgatory because she's supposed to be producing it. Seriously, fuck this month.

Its been a while since I've updated, mostly because I've been too fucking busy.

Pre-production is well underway for my thesis film "Flutter", the story is shaping up well so far and there is that possibility that it will turn out to be a masterpiece, of course, if nothing fucks up.

Its hectic hectic throughout, so many things to do and so little time.

Some rather interesting developments.

I was surprised and caught off guard when the school suddenly decided to change the shortlist and allow me to shoot a story that wasnt originally selected because "none of the stories fit your style or is able to showcase your ability".

So the story I got was a pretty ethereal one which I worked on over the past few days to craft out a plot and some characterization. So basically it's about a struggling photographer (struggling because he cant find work) who starts getting obsessed over a girl who appears in the background of one of his pictures.

Its a rather melancholic piece which I feel will be an interesting challenge for me. And so far I'm glad that the people that I approached to work for me all said yes, this is a stark contrast to what happened last year where nobody wanted to join m because fuckface was the producer. I'm slightly more confident this year.

Yesterday I found out that of the 10 films that were submitted by the school to the SIFF, 9 got selected, the only one that did not even get into the out-of-competition screening and was snubbed altogether was mine. So when I looked through the programme schedule, I saw a list of films, some good, some looked so-so, and then my film was nowhere there.

Its not even my film. I was just forced to direct it, and NOTHING. Such a waste of my level 2, such a huge slap to my face, what a year of failed objectives.

I havent been able to update in a while due to my busy schedule. Juggling school work with a 35mm shoot with pre-production plans for my new short-film to be shot this December. Really a lot of work to do.

I am currently in the midst of a black and white silent film shoot with a Singapore based Spanish director and I'm 1st Assistant Director. Although its good to be an AD as you have a lot of power and responsibility on set, I also just hate the idea of doing all the paperwork and shit.

I'm still pretty sour with the fact that so many people I know, including classmates are going to have their works showcased outside, and especially on SIFF. What do I have? Nothing! Its fucking annoying, yes I can be happy for them but sorry, I'm not a carebear or a spectator. I get into this to get things done, to achieve things. I don't want to just sit down and cheer other people on, thats not my purpose in life. I hate the fact that everyone got their chance except me, and the worst part is I don't even know who to blame. First of all I was forced into the situation and then I wasnt allowed to make the most out of it, so what am I supposed to do?

So Fuck SIFF, Fuck PSOF. I'm going to give it one more shot, nothing to do with school anymore, I dont give a fuck about my thesis film honestly, what I'm really giving a fuck about is my new upcoming short-film, Purgatory. I am going to vest so much hope in this film its basically do or die. This film will basically gauge how much of a film maker I am, or at least how deserving I am. Because I know I can make good films if I'm given a chance. And now I really hope nothing fucks up this chance.

It was a pretty crazy week, crazy start to August.

It started out quite bad on Monday, on my first day of school when I ended up spending more time holed up in toilet cubicles than in class, a total of 15 times til there was blood coming out, I panicked, saw a doctor and ended up getting diagnosed with gastroenteritis. Got the tuesday off and started feeling better after Wednesday.

From my last post it was still in my mind, how I was going to try to settle the payment for my school fees, 21k was a huge sum of money and I was about to take a bank loan with Maybank when I suddenly received an email from the school admin that told me that I was going to be awarded the LASALLE Future Leader Scholarship. I went to school the next day and collected the official scholarship letter (after dropping off my MC in the same room) and they awarded about 14k to me. Which means on top of the sponsorship deal I was to get from my Godmother, I would only need to pay 2.1k for the entire year, just 10% of the overall fees, how fucking awesome is that?

But of course all these come with great responsibilities, now that I'm technically a scholar, I need to adhere to some rules and regulations, I need to have a squeaky clean disciplinary record and I need to get consistently high grades. Level 3 is going to be a tough cookie, within the first week I already have 2 assignments due. But I guess this is just a start for things to come. The scholarship has already taken off a huge weight off my shoulders, I cannot afford to fuck this up.

And yesterday was my birthday and I have to say it was really one of a kind, a unique party. Not so much a party per se but it was really fun and chilled out and I'm glad the people who attended it enjoyed it. Now that things are starting to get on track, its time to reconfigure myself to get out of holiday mode and start working hard again, this is my final stretch and my objectives for the year are, to get 1st class honours, and to have my works exhibited at either Berlin or Cannes. It's possible.

After 5 weeks of running around Singapore with my DSLR and Zoom, the 60 locations have been done and the principal photography for the Locals Recommend project is complete!

This was probably my first long haul project and boy was it tiring. I feel sad that I havent had a chance to actually enjoy my holidays and get a well-deserved break. Now reality sets in because next week I go back to school and see the same fuckfaces again.

Speaking of school, I'm still waiting for LASALLE to get back to me regarding the scholarship...its taking way too long and now I can't stop worrying if I got the scholarship or not. The worst case scenario is to apply for a loan which is just too fucking expensive. Regardless of whether I got my scholarship or not, wouldnt it make more sense to actually notify me? So I don't wait til the last minute and then find out I didn't get it.

Where am I going to get the remaining $5.5k to pay off my fees for my first semester?

Been a while since I've been here.

Its hard to believe and accept that there's only 2 weeks left before school reopens and I have yet to actually have a holiday. Been busy with the Locals Recommend project and now its 51 done, 9 more to go. Its been pretty intense....interesting but intense and really tiring.

I've started to go for therapy for my injuries and as expected, the therapist now thinks I'm a case study due to the fact that 90% of my body is tense, which also partly accounts for why I'm always so tired and fall sick easily.

The scholarship thing is still at a limbo, I don't even know if I can do Level 3, I wish I could, get it over and done with and churn out some quality shit while at it but reality is always a bitch, only those with the money win all the time. Still waiting for the verdict.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted, which is not good because I will need plenty of energy to deal with level 3 (if I do go) and facing the same fucktards who have made my level 2 miserable, now I have to deal with them again. Incompetent losers, deadweights, so many names for them. I just hope they will stay out of my way this time.

I cant wait to finish the LR project, get all the money I've earned and finally start buying stuff for myself, I've been too fucking broke its not funny. I hate the idea of being broke all the time.

And lastly, I can't wait to work on Purgatory and hopefully, Trinity. If all goes well, these 2 films will shape my 2012. And I hope it will be a good year.

21 locations in the past 1 and a half weeks. Its been hectic as fuck doing Locals Recommend and I still have 39 to go. Aiming to finish up everything by 14 July so I can resume on the EssaiveE stuff.

I finally got my results, missed first class by 1.3 points...fucking pathetic but I hope the scholarship application goes through, I REALLY want to do level 3.

Worked out a great idea via a collaboration with V and an NYU acting student. A film called "Purgatory", based on the poem "An Elephant in the Room" by Terry Kettering. It sounds so intelligent and complete and I have really great hopes for this. At least this film might make up for the shitty one I was forced to make for my diploma film.

I'm working so much yet I'm so broke, I don't even understand how thats possible.

Its been a bumper month in terms of assignments. Its tiring but so magical.

First it was the Amateurs short film shoot as soundman, then comes the mammoth Locals Recommend project as director and DP and then a short film for the Ministry of Education where I'm DP. And I just got referred by my lecturer to some production house for content developer. If all goes well, I should be able to earn close to $4k next month. I can't remember the last time my bank account had 4 figures. But it's a good start. Toxic Tree is taking off well, even better than I had expected and I love this really.

But professional life aside, I feel like I am missing out on some things. Maybe its the same old shit coming back to haunt me. But well, whatever happens, I have to keep going strong.

I need to prepare for the upcoming projects with professionalism so as to raise my standards and establish our brand name. I need to also prepare my music video shoot. That one has to come out good as it will be TT3's first in-house production.

I met this actress during the last shoot, and somehow we have ended up with a possible collaboration for a short-film idea. Very simple setup but with a very complicated theme. If all goes well we can possibly shoot that in December, with 3 of us as co-writers and me directing it while she acts. I've been interacting with a lot of intelligent people lately, its wonderful to be able to exercise my brain once again.

But of course, good things are not meant to last.

I'm also starting to have my regrets doing my friend the favour (relationship status on facebook). Oh well.

Bitching and whining and slandering me right?

getting most of the level 1s to go against me right?

Even convincing the lecturers that I'm the one in the wrong


You've made your moves.

Now, my turn =)

No I'm not in a relationship. It's just a smokescreen for my friend who keeps getting pestered by some guy so I agreed to pretend to be her boyfriend.

It is interesting the reactions I got though.

Starting work on the Icelandic project, creating the list of venues to feature, officially started work on the new EssaiveE stuff. Just uploaded "There Are Those Voices" last night. You can listen to it via the widget on t he right side of this page.

Immersing myself in good music, I'm enjoying all the "me" time I'm having right now, such a refreshing moment.

I hope to create kick ass ground breaking music and get it all out by July, together with a music video to boot to kickstart my TT3 portfolio. At least to make up for the lack of quality this year, I have to do something that others will not fuck up for me.

Lets keep this momentum going!

So what happens now?
Where do we go from here?

Tomorrow is the premiere of the 4 diploma films together with the 6 thesis films that got their avant premiere last night which I conveniently chose not to attend.

Loyalty is a film I really hate, everything from the process to the actual film itself. I'm probably only proud of the soundtrack I created under the moniker "EssaiveE".

I wonder what the reaction will be like to a slightly more neutral and uninformed audience. I mean obviously film students will be able to spot all the glaring errors present throughout the film but if you look beyond the technical incompetence, I wonder if there is anything worth watching. Did I do my job as a director and direct the actors well? Did I manage to get them to deliver a good performance? Did my non-linear idea work? Are the risks I took worth it? After all, I've never come across any graduating films from LASALLE that included a crucial scene AFTER the ending credits. I got blasted by the lecturers for that move, some calling it a Hollywood gimmick, some calling it a waste. As far as I see, this is my way of saying "Fuck you" to the school. After all, the ORIGINAL story ended at the scene prior to the ending credits. That's the original pitch by the cuntface writer anyway. But my input to add the extra scene took me a lot of time and energy, fighting and justifying its existance. So of course I have every right to choose where I wanna place that scene.

Its a simple logic. If you were to watch the film as it was originally done and the last scene comes on prior to the ending credits,the audience will certainly go WTF? Because it's so disjointed. So retardedly disjointed and unbelievable. That's why I took it upon myself to have an extra setup "the Jimmy Kong character" and then throw in the payoff via a 2nd twist after the ending credits. It was my work, it was my effort, it was all my arguments that showed in that last scene. I even edited that portion myself.

Test screenings among other film students went quite predictably. They spent most of the time pointing out the technical errors which I am very well aware of. But more importantly, they actually liked the extra scene. Not only because it gave the film and story an extra dimension, but it gave a sense of balance. The original story painted the male lead as a prick and the female as a submissive loser. The new format paints the guy as an oblivious prick and the female as a scheming prick. Which is a better balance?

Tomorrow onwards, I will get first-hand reviews of this film which I am totally not proud of, yet have to face the fact that I was director. I hold responsibility for what you see and hear on the screen during that 10 minutes. It was a hard and painful journey. I went to hell and back. I endured sleepless nights, panic attacks, anger management issues, health issues, financial issues, lost people who were once friends. Of course I made new friends as well. But I did all that for the film. Whether it flops or succeeds is now beyond me. All I know is, I have to learn from this and move on. I may have been victimized and thrown into a huge pit, but I have to learn to get out of it.

It's time to show the World what I'm really capable of, I just need that opportunity. I can't let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's success.

Hope you enjoy the film if you do get to watch it.


On an unrelated note, its been a refreshing couple of weeks. However I need to get back to work next week. Establishing my new collective, getting the essential paperwork done and of course, do the Icelandic project. I am seeking happiness and I know its not unattainable, but I have to work for it.

However, disappointments and expectations will be the death of me.

later tonight, I'm going to do something I haven't done in the longest time ever.

I'm going out for dinner with a girl. I don't even know if thats considered a date but you know what? I'm actually feeling nervous. Not pee in the pants nervous but more like "wow" kind of nervous.

She's cute and I enjoy speaking to her but of course I'm not one to expect anything. I asked her out because I felt that now's the time I catch up on my social life after slaving away the past 2 years. I feel that maybe, I should embrace a new life. Not saying that I want to ditch my old life but more like, I need to seek a new happiness.

I knew her from 2 years ago, through a mutual friend but all along she was attached until a month ago, after she got dumped. Which is quite a pity because she certainly deserves better.

You know what? Maybe I should give this a go. Only have to wait and see what happens from here on.

But of course, NO expectations.

It's been a surreal past couple of weeks.

My family suddenly seems a bit more united, theres not much bitching going on and my parents are back in the same room once again. It's pretty confusing.

I've spent the past 2 weeks paying off my sleep debts, clocking in an average of 10 hours of sleep a day. Seems like my insomnia that plagued me for about 4 years is finally gone!

I'm feeling a bit lighter these days maybe because of the cleansing I'm doing with my social life, getting rid of the unwanted excesses.

I'm actually feeling slightly better than compared to the past 3 years.

Its a good change

Its been a while since I posted something long here.

Well as I sit here, with the left side of my jaw in pain after my wisdom tooth surgery a few days ago, I can't help thinking about how the past few months have been. I realised that ever since 2011 came around, it seemed more like a year of what I would call pest control. I've decided to let go of a lot of friends whom I felt were unnecessary excesses. All was fine for a while but then over time I realised that maybe, I was starting to overdo it?

I'll get back to that later. This past few months was hectic as fuck, namely because of the diploma film shoot. It was a painful process that eventually saw me get really pissed off with a certain motherfucker (I still want to break his face now as we speak). The thing is, through this semester I've realised the kinds of people that I hang around with, a lot of them are just pretentious snobs. They either think too highly of themselves, they can't prioritize what they want to do in life and the most common case, they are just way too far behind in terms of intellectual capabilities.

Think I sound elitist? Maybe, but honestly I pride myself in my honesty. I hate sugar-coating things. If you are stupid, it means you are stupid. No 2 ways about it. Maybe I am the problem, I've always had issues trusting people, or relating to them. I don't empathize very easily and I have every reason for doing that.

If people around me can see I am a victim of something that is not even my fault and then after that, claim that I am overacting and that I should just forget it and move. Well all I can tell you is, FUCK YOU.

Move on? After all those sacrifices and torture I put myself through, just move on?

Loyalty was a fucking cursed production. The mere fact that I was put to work together with this motherfucker with the excuse that "we are of the same intellectual capabilities" is a fucking insult to me. He is and will never be anywhere near me and that is a proven fact.

So after covering everyone's asses and when the crunchtime came, I eventually lost it and what happens? People take sides because said motherfucker was going around telling shit about me to people.

This is defamation right there but what can I do? If I had the financial capabilities to sue him, I would have the financial capabilities to be able to do my degree year without any problems, without having to depend on scholarships or bursaries or meetings with rich businessmen to beg them for money.

Now that school is over, and that I have finally unleashed my true colours after enduring every single ounce of bullshit. I can tell I have made much more enemies than I can handle. Sure, now I am nothing but a lonely dejected person, probably a pale shadow of an elitist snob. So what price does talent come with? Why do I have to deal with others incompetencies that erode what I am capable of? If I had things my way, I would have smashed said motherfucker's face. If I ended up in jail, with that guy being hospitalised, being a vegetable for life, it would have still given me some sort of happiness. I endured, fought the urge and what am I left with? Nothing but voices telling me to move on. Move on? What about you go fuck yourselves?

I am not going to move on. I am not going to let this pass. If I have to lose everything I have to pursue this, to hold this grudge, then so fucking be it. I don't care what I stand to gain or lose. I am up to here with all the bullshit I have had to endure from you pricks. You low-life untalented motherfuckers who have more money than abilities. Forcing people like me to bend backwards for you. You know what? You don't deserve it. You don't deserve my help, you don't deserve any favours. If you want to consider me your friend, then act like one. Otherwise, fuck off.

Yes this sounds like a diatribe, polemics if you want to call it. This feeling has been excoriating me since day 1 til I feel nothing inside anymore but emptiness. I know I have been living on hatred, rage and anger the past few years. Even I myself don't know what or why or how to explain this.

I do have moments where I sit back and think, I try to think of what made me the person I am. Is it my past? Is it my disadvantages I had to grow up with or is it some superiority complex I have? I really cannot remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The past couple of years, my only consolation was work. Everytime I made a film, I felt a sense of happiness and maybe that's why theres so much bottled rage now. Because the last film was fucked up to the core thanks to others' incompetencies and the number of restrictions that were placed upon me. Burdens if you may call it. So how do I be happy when the only thing that was supposed to make me happy failed to make me happy?

What do I do? What do I need? Friends? Yes I have some of them, they have been with me through thick and thin but my cynicism will never change. I will always expect them to walk out on me at the moment i need them most. Like what has been going on the past weeks.

Yes, I feel like I have made many enemies over the past few months, in fact I feel like everyone and everything is against me right now. I have actually never felt this alone in such a long time before and I don't even know why I'm feeling this way.

I cannot go on like this. I cannot expect to depend on just work to be happy, it will never work out, as experienced previously. I can never lie to myself and say that everything is alright because I know its not. I have come to a point where I have forgotten how to live, how to love and more importantly, how to take things seriously.

I still want to know what I need to do now to make things better for myself.

My wisdom tooth (bottom left) is now acting up. Fuck man I took out the bottom right one and it was hell and now I have to go through it again. And its slightly impacted as well argghhh this is so annoying. I cant even chew my food properly without biting into my cheek. Probably getting it removed this thursday and then followed by 2 weeks of pain. FML.

oh my god I haven't posted in sucha long time.

Been way too busy the past 4 months after the diploma film madness started. I really have too much things to say but I don't know where to start. Its been a wild ride which culminated in me getting really pissed off, pissing many people off and losing 7kg. Its almost over and I'm really glad for that. I'm not too proud of the film simply cos I hated the story and I did not write this but since my name is attached as director, I had to make sure the QC will stringent. Will have to do up a trailer soon.

Today has been a productive day, plenty of things done and I really really really need a break.

epiphany

I intend to make this one hell of a good film, not just in terms of story but also style.

1 note electro soundtracks, smooth and swift cuts and crazy transitions.

Time to unleash.

Its about time some motherfuckers learnt to grow up. I understand when you all were kids you had all these huge mojos to satisfy but things are different so quit the bullshit and get on with the times.

Pre-production is looking good so far and I'm doing a great job not giving a shit about others and how they are faring. This time its all about me and ME only. My work, my results, my objective.

This is the first time in years im not gambling during CNY.

I need to rid myself of all these unwanted excesses in my life even if it means losing a few friends. Its for the better.

I am still at a crossroad now, I noticed all my close friends are attached and happy and I'm the only one left behind. The funny thing is, I attract girls I'm never interested in and the ones I'm attracted to will never be interested in me. Bummer.

Life goes on and when all else fails, I have my ambitions to live for.

The diploma film productions are in full swing now, all the necessary pre-production begins now

in terms of casting, I haven't found a suitable guy for the Timothy role but I'm eyeing this acting student in level 1 for the Alison role, she's very pretty and she looks the part, I have yet to talk to her though but I should do it sometime soon.

I'm also gonna try this experimental technique due to the nature of the script where theres a twist in the last scene which totally shifts the protagonist-antagonist relationship, I'm thinking of giving one of the characters the full script while omitting the last scene for the other person and only giving it when we are about to shoot, might have that added element of surprise for the actor playing the part and making things more natural.

Seems like my goal drought is over with a bang, i scored a grand total of 1 goal the whole of last year and this year, in 3 games I've scored 6 already. 5 goals in 2 league games. I scored 2 in my official return and the following week i hit a hat trick against one of our biggest rivals. Awesome way to start the year and I wish to keep this form going. Next up is the Scottish team Rampant Lions. I scored against them the last time we met, this time I intend to increase the tally. Try to score as much as possible before I have to take a break again cos of work.

I had the weirdest week last week, having to reject this girl who was so perfectly sweet to me all this time I feel bad but I also know I cant handle her so its for the better I guess

But having said that, I'm still commitment phobic although I'm still hanging on to the hope that I'd find someone I really like one day, though it really isnt and shouldnt be my priority right now. But loneliness kicks in sometimes I guess.

just as I was genuinely proud of my brother for getting 9 points for his O's the whole family shit has to come crumbling on me.

Yeah sure I did not study as hard as him back then and I got a miserable 20 points. I wasted your money doing 3 semesters in Poly before dropping out..Yes I get it, I'm the black sheep of the family, the one you can never boast to your relatives about. So be it.

After I'm done with this, I'm gonna work my ass off, earn as much as possible, pay off my debts to you and I'm out of here. You have your other son to keep you proud.

And if I ever make it in film, DONT fucking walk around telling your fucking relatives you are proud of me, I'm not going to buy it. It's too late now.

http://soundcloud.com/neutral_wire/essaivee-4-track-trance-1/s-39nCv

In the midst of uploading a 4 track trance playlist I just made...hence, my DJ-ing debut...

unfortunately due to the lack of equipments, i created it using a combination of 2 softwares, garageband and mixx...it sounds pretty decent I'll post the link when its done.