sometimes its better to know the truth than to be kept waiting, trying to figure out whats going on.

One of my biggest flaws is probably me and my expectations. As much as I hate it and I keep telling people not to expect, I inadvertently end up doing the same thing; such a hypocrite I am. Sometimes I wonder if my mental age and maturity befits my actual physical age. I may be 26 although I may not look like it and I have to start realising that I am no longer a teenager. It's a sad fact that I have to learn to accept and sometimes it feels like time is passing by way too fast for me to catch up.

I have been guilty of making the same mistakes over and over again and even though I am supposed to be learning from these mistakes, I tend to be too stubborn and end up doing otherwise. I'm stuck in a situation where now I am forced to grow up and accept reality but I choose to live in my own world with my stupid little expectations. My overambitious and fussy nature doesnt sit too well with people and I am not doing anything about it. Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing with my life. Everyone tells me I have plenty of talent and potential but I feel like I'm not doing anything to realise that potential. Instead all I do is expect and then wallow in self-pity when it fails.

I am almost losing this battle trying to keep myself mentally stable and I am really lost now. My life still feels like something is missing and instead of confronting it, I choose to ignore it and choose distractions instead. My lifestyle of heavy partying, alcohol and weed isnt going to sustain me for long and I might just face the possibility of my life turning into an inevitable failure.

I am depressed and I don't even know what the fuck I'm depressed about. I can't find the right words to use to describe how I feel and it seems like nobody is going to bother. I am everybody's aunt aggie but nobody wishes to return the favour. Or maybe it's just me expecting something in return. Maybe I am wallowing in self-pity and it annoys the hell out of everyone.

I have managed to build a reputation based on my hard work and quality yet I still feel like a total loser. My self esteem constantly takes a beating because I doubt my own abilities. I could have used this holiday period to find work but I don't know why I can't find the confidence to. I had the confidence last year and I did a great job, even landing the production I was in an award but I can't seem to do the same this time around. I feel like I'm losing it and I feel like I'm victimizing myself. i find it hard to talk to people these days and I choose to keep my problems to myself. I know this is unhealthy but it seems like the only viable option.

I feel like everyone, including my family and friends put up a front when I'm around. There is a huge communication breakdown at home, save for my brother and I don't know how to fix it. My friends are there for me but I can't expect them to be all the time. I make the mistake of neglecting them when they need me but sometimes I don't see the full effects of it. I dont want to turn into an alcoholic but I'm already showing signs of turning into one. At least my return to soccer has been fruitful though I'm horribly rusty and I almost died yesterday from the heatstroke.

Nobody reads this but me thats why I can just pour it all out and tell myself that I am just a fragile, vulnerable weakling who puts up a shell to make myself look like some tough guy. Of course I know for a fact that all I'm doing is to lie to myself and the ones around me but I'm really at a loss now. How do I go about living a lie forever and how do I fix this problem of trying to figure out what exactly is missing in my life?

I'm sorry for hurting the people around me and the people who cared. I'm sorry for being selfish and too full of myself and I'm sorry for not being the person people wished I could be. I have only myself to blame.